Yeah bro, I've been going through this over the last 6-8 months. I think its severe depression, I think its easier to not live than to live
Feb last year I tried to end my life, deliberately overdosing on Xanax. After that incident I was okay for a while, but I feel that I'm back again depressed.
I am so terribly sorry to hear that you went through this and got to that stage of feeling as if you had no choice but to attempt to end your own life but more so that you feel you are headed in that direction again.
You know what Tonee, I too had some pretty dark thoughts in my mind many years ago and always wondered what it would be like to not have to deal with things anymore.
I had a lot of the typical symptoms of depression; inability to cope with going out in public, even to familiar places or family events; I felt more comfortable with being at home and on my own. Isolation was my friend. Not wanting to do things that I previously enjoyed like going to the movies, gardening, crossword puzzles ( trying to concentrate on those drove me crazy when I prided myself on having been able to attempt even some of the cryptic ones quite successfully) and a feeling of 'loss of time' which scared me no end. I withdrew from family and felt like I was not contributing to anything worthwhile. The biggest ones though were the panic attacks where I felt as if I could not swallow properly and I suffered breathing difficulties, leading to trips to A& E where I was sure the staff thought I was a crazy lady wasting their time as no physical cause could be found and the voicing of the fact that I felt that I was worthless and a complete failure.
Thankfully a good friend got hold of me and told me a few home truths that I probably did not want to hear at the time, but thankfully I heeded. I could not take charge of my life as I should have so they stepped in and did it for me until I was able to do something for myself. Where I found myself was on account of many things; the biggest a relationship turned sour, something I felt was my fault something that I was a failure at.
It took a lot of positive reinforcement from others and encouragement to bring everything out into the open and deal with it in a logical way, rather than the way I was thinking which I now know was completely illogical. I had many visits to a medical professional and I had to turn to medication, something I dearly wanted to avoid, but eventually realised I needed to have. I stayed on that medication for many years until I felt able to confidently control my thoughts but thankfully have not had to return to it even though things in life can still get to me. I had to relearn my mental behaviour, and as many will tell you it is something you need to constantly work on.
Tonee, being mentally well is something we all have to work at, in our own ways and some a lot harder than others, but you need
never feel alone in this.
I have read some really great posts in this thread which make one realise that with good friends who are willing to listen and not judge we are never alone. Please don't feel alone; take up the offers of those who are willing to listen; please seek the help your Doctor; don't let yourself get to that low ever again. Regain some self belief and in turn get rid of your negative thoughts.
It takes a brave person to say what you have said, keep that in mind. Don't feel that you are any less of a person for feeling the way you do, because as I said before a lot of us have been where you are.
