Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My boss calls me "the computer". Nothing to do with intelligence...

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

 

[Benno Bulldog]

I got a chicken to make a chicken sandwich.

All it does is shits on the floor.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[DinkumDog]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.

I said that's the last thing I need.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.

That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child.

Now he’s a great grandfather.

 

[Gunnasmc]

Old joke bro, heard that in 2013, 2014 and 2015 lol

Also 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021 and 2022

 

[alchemist]

A middle aged housewife wanted to spice up her relationship with her husband which had fallen into a rut and so she went to a sex shop where she ended up buying sexy lingerie including crotchless panties.

All excited, the wife rushed home, put on the lingerie, drank a lot of the wine, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to come home from work.

Finally, the husband walked in after a long day at work only to find his wife laying on the couch.

The wife grinned cheekily, spread her legs and asked: "Do you want some of this?"

"God, no!" the husband replied. "Look at what its done to your underwear!"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[DinkumDog]

God some people are whingers!
My friend:

- Works out twice daily
- Has regular sex
- Reads two books per week
- Gets all meals prepared for him
- Doesn’t have to battle traffic

Yet says he doesn’t like being in prison!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I was shocked the other day when I thought I heard my girlfriend say she wanted to go to see The Monkees tribute band in Switzerland.

Then I saw her face - now I’m in Geneva.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

 

[Mitchellmoses]

And old lady runs in to a police station "officer officer i have just been graped"
The police officer says "excuse me dont you mean raped ?"
She said " no there was a bunch of them "

Don’t get it?

 

[Mitchellmoses]

What do you call a drunk leb?
A. Hamed.
What do you call a drunk leb passed out?
b Mohamed

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bob dog]

People trying to seize control of your house, yeah mate..

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.

Looks like she’s preparing some kind of barbie queue.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

I said: “That sounds like a fair swap.”