Dad jokes

You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking, "I may as well pee while I'm here."
 
After just one week, my boss at the yogurt factory said I'm not a good fit.

Apparently, they don't want new hires blending into the company culture.
 
Why didn’t the sick toast go to the doctor?

Because he was already feeling breader.
 
Hey sorry I can't hang out tomorrow, I did an activity a week ago and I am still recovering from that social interaction.
 
The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.
 
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.
 
Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored so they go out for a stroll through my mouth.

This is rarely a good thing.
 
Apple Watches are basically just Tomagotchi's, but the stupid animal you're trying to keep alive is yourself.
 
Every time I go to the liquor store, a guy comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He's my spirit guide.
 
A man goes to the butcher and asks, “I'd like an oxtail please.”

“Certainly,” replies the butcher. “Once upon a time, there was an ox...”
 
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