Dad jokes

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Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?

I made myself a sandwich earlier.
 
There's a stereotype that human men are obsessed with sex.

But praying mantises literally lose their heads over it .
 
Why did the physics professor break up with the biology professor?

There was no chemistry.
 
My buddy wants to get a nose job and asked which one I liked the most, but I didn't answer.

After all...you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
 
My wife is sleeping in the spare bedroom because she said she has had enough of my night time Elvis impersonations.

I knocked on her door at 3am and said... "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"
 
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
 
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?"

The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank".
 
Just heard someone shout out “Tequila! Vodka! Whiskey!”

I said “Hey I call the shots around here!”
 
I'm at that age where the heated seats in my car are more about soothing back pain than warming me up.
 
Did you hear that the Australian clothing store hired a marsupial?

He’s in charge of koala tee assurance.
 
A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."

The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"
 
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...
 
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