Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?

I made myself a sandwich earlier.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My neighbour was saying he can't pay his water bill.

I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

There's a stereotype that human men are obsessed with sex.

But praying mantises literally lose their heads over it .

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why did the physics professor break up with the biology professor?

There was no chemistry.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so…”

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I learn best from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Where does a mansplainer get his water from?

A well, actually.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why do melons have weddings?

They cantaloupe.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My buddy wants to get a nose job and asked which one I liked the most, but I didn't answer.

After all...you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife is sleeping in the spare bedroom because she said she has had enough of my night time Elvis impersonations.

I knocked on her door at 3am and said... "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?"

The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank".

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Just heard someone shout out “Tequila! Vodka! Whiskey!”

I said “Hey I call the shots around here!”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I'm at that age where the heated seats in my car are more about soothing back pain than warming me up.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did you hear that the Australian clothing store hired a marsupial?

He’s in charge of koala tee assurance.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Where do fish keep their money?

In the river bank.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."

The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents.