Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Archaeologists are holding a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia.

It's going to be quite the shindig.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

When I become a superhero I'm going to be called "Ironic".

So when there's trouble and I'm running away they'll shout, "Isn't that ironic?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My girlfriend complains that I don't smile anymore.

Well, she's the one who wanted a serious relationship!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

For Valentine's Day I would have bought flowers for my girlfriend...

But my wife won't let me.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why don’t tennis players celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Love means nothing to them.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

How do Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head solve their arguments?

They hash it out.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

That's the tenth passenger today who's called me a terrible bus driver.

I don't know where these people get off.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Mark Knopfler and Chris Rea have formed a new band.

It's called Dire Rea.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Guess what I saw?

Wood

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

On weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park.

But it's super hard to find exactly 32 of them.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Alt-Delete?

She wanted to speak to the Task Manager.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Been trying to stay awake for this plumbing repair class but it's so draining.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Worrying works!

More than 90 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I met a girl the other night at a club who said she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside she ran a 40-metre dash in just 4.5 seconds.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn't mind, but I don't even have any children.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer."

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A lady asked me if I would help get her a job as a professional scrabble player.

I put in a good word for her.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home only items 1, 3, and 5 got done.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.