Dad jokes

Archaeologists are holding a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia.

It's going to be quite the shindig.
 
When I become a superhero I'm going to be called "Ironic".

So when there's trouble and I'm running away they'll shout, "Isn't that ironic?"
 
My girlfriend complains that I don't smile anymore.

Well, she's the one who wanted a serious relationship!
 
Why don’t tennis players celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Love means nothing to them.
 
That's the tenth passenger today who's called me a terrible bus driver.

I don't know where these people get off.
 
On weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park.

But it's super hard to find exactly 32 of them.
 
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
 
I met a girl the other night at a club who said she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside she ran a 40-metre dash in just 4.5 seconds.
 
My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn't mind, but I don't even have any children.
 
My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer."
 
I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home only items 1, 3, and 5 got done.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.
 
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