Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a magical owl?

Hootdini.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a dad joke in the stove?

A pun in the oven.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Horses are the fastest mammals in North America according to a recent Gallop poll.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Got fired from my job as a masseuse.

Apparently I rub people the wrong way.

 

[Dognacious]

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My teenage son treats me like a god.

He acts like I don't exist until he wants something.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Two slices of bread got married.

The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

An ancient Greek walks into a tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a wizard that falls down the stairs?

Tumbledore.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you get when a huge stack of toilet paper rolls falls on you in the supermarket?

Soft tissue damage.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said, “Just as long as we don’t get carried away.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said “I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.”

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Arrived late to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting and all the seats were taken.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Someone replaced all of the buttons in the elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes,” went from being a fun little kids' song to a list of things that hurt.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

There’s absolutely no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room with you right now.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Got thrown out of my local park after trying to arrange the squirrels by height.

Guess they didn't like me critter sizing.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Son: Are vampires real?

Dad: Only if you Count Dracula.