Ok just got a call from a pissed mate. Pokies fiend. He won a $6.5k jackpot at about 9 o'clock. First thing he did was jump online and order 8 pornstar modelled fleshlights (supposedly shaped like their baby makers, rear exits or mouths). Anyway, he's ordered a variety of starlets in a variety of holes and sent them to his home address. Some time later he realised that unless it's raining his partner of 20 years since school and mother of his two sons will be at home to take delivery as he works building fences on farms. So he's shitting himself and plans to tell her that they're a joke gift for me and my nephew (30yo) if he's not home to take delivery.
Laughed my ass off for a few minutes while he's telling me this is fucking serious man.
Anyway I'll update if there's an interesting conclusion. Was in a pretty shit mood before I heard this and needed the laugh.
Ok update on this. Rather boring update. He managed to cancel the order the on Monday. I spoke to him after lunch on Sunday and reminded him he'd placed the order as I suspect he was too drunk to remember. He had forgotten it completely. Part of me feels sad that I didn't let it play out for the laughs. Still funny as fuck though.
He's done some crazy shit over the years so this wouldn't look good on his home record.
I'll tell you the cream of the crop of stories though. When I'd only known him and his partner for a couple of years we went out drinking while she stayed home due to being pregnant and well along with their first child.
Anyway rare night out for him while they were expecting and we both got pissed. I lost track of him at some point and went home, had a pre bed hangover prevention feed (don't sleep on a stomach full of booze if you can eat something to dilute it, trust me it prevents hangovers 95% of the time) and I crashed out.
Zzzzzz BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG gentle sounds of rattling windows fades to silence as echoes bounce through the loungeroom
About 4am. Hmm I wonder if
someone's at the fucking door. Grab a hammer from bedside as it was a shit neighbourhood I lived in then and discover my mate. He's carrying about six blankets and tells me he's been kicked out. So I set him up on the lounge. Pour us both a scotch and ask what he'd done.
Turns out after I left, he'd been chatting with some 65yo Aboriginal lady that was built like the Michelin man and not blessed with a pretty face either. After the club closed at 2.30 they absconded to the park about 100m away and had relations. I'll spare the details I was told about. You don't need me describing the noise of fat roll farts or things like that. But he got to the second hole on the fairway apparently.
Afterwards he'd returned home via the town fountain where he'd discreetly washed something. He told his partner and she'd kicked him out after some pretty scary threats (think Lorena Bobbet for a start).... Anyway, as he's telling the story he suddenly goes white. Rushes to the toilet and throws up.
Before coming back to the loungeroom he has a shower without asking and comes out wearing my dirty clothes from from washing basket. Looks comical as he's about a foot taller than me but rake thin while I'm about average height but pretty broad. He throws his clothes out before returning to the loungeroom. Turns out what made him sick was remembering what she smelled like, even before playing either of the holes. Apparently it took him forever to have his little death as he was repulsed but determined to get there. He only played the second hole because he couldn't finish on the first. There were some shame tears from him here and afterwards just dead silence. So I went to bed and I assume he crashed out on the couch.
To top it all off he threw up at about 6am and got it through most of the 6 blankets. He threw them out and filled my Otto and just walked off crying in my vomit covered clothes. It was the smartest decision of his life though. She later told me that coming home in such a pathetic state saved his bacon. He'd gotten home blabbering about buying blankets, collecting his things and running back to mums. Swearing that he'd look after bub and her from afar. He was in the dogbox for a long time but managed to get a reprieve about 6 hours after cheating with the least appealing person I've ever seen.
He's not my smartest mate and he'll get up to some crazy shit. But has just enough sense to not break the law. Sensational drinking buddy.
