Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?

A trophy.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Getting old sucks big time.

I just threw my back out because the toaster startled me.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Someone stole my identity... and then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, “So sorry man. Hope things work out."

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

One of my favorite things to do is wake up in the middle of the night and proceed to think about things out of my control for 3 hours

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

One day you'll find someone that's obsessed with you.

It's probably going to be a dog, but it is what it is.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Sally worked at the fertilizer plant.

We never met but ma knew her.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I would make a font joke but I'm not bold enough.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife told me she's making a trail mix without any raisins or M&M's.

I told her, “Well that's just nuts.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did you know that God originally created gravity as a prank?

But then everyone fell for it.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I walked into the bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she replied. “We only accept cash or card.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why did the fish do poorly in school?

He fell below C level.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the lights.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

When you are feeling powerless just remember, a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

When scientists said the Universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons, they forgot to mention morons.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Can't believe I forgot to exercise before work again this morning...

That's six years in a row now.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Beer cures what ales ya.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Just saw 3 people jogging outside and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do I think of Orion's Belt?

Giant waist of space.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.