Dad jokes

Getting old sucks big time.

I just threw my back out because the toaster startled me.
 
One of my favorite things to do is wake up in the middle of the night and proceed to think about things out of my control for 3 hours
 
One day you'll find someone that's obsessed with you.

It's probably going to be a dog, but it is what it is.
 
My wife told me she's making a trail mix without any raisins or M&M's.

I told her, “Well that's just nuts.”
 
Did you know that God originally created gravity as a prank?

But then everyone fell for it.
 
I walked into the bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she replied. “We only accept cash or card.”
 
When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the lights.
 
When you are feeling powerless just remember, a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park
 
Can't believe I forgot to exercise before work again this morning...

That's six years in a row now.
 
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