Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I always set two wake up alarms: one for the person I want to be, and one for the person I am.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

We should be able to call in healthy: I'm not coming in today.

I feel really good and don't want to waste it on being at work.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

If you think my nose jokes stink, my eye jokes are cornea.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did my famous lion impression at the local talent show.

It was a roaring success.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Our local baker was struggling with their dough, so l offered to help them make it rise.

It was the yeast I could do.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a woman who lives at the top of a church tower?

Belle.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife has started doing lunges to get in shape.

I told her that would be a big step forward.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Our parents used to drop us off at school with no water bottle, no phone and no snacks, yet somehow, we survived.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"

She is watching our wedding video again.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My entire life can be summed up in one sentence…

Well, that didn't go as planned.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I drive more safely when there's food on my passenger seat than when there's a person in it.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Bright an oversized spoon to my cooking class last night.

It caused quite a stir.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Went to an antique auction.

People started bidding on me.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Someone asked me how you weigh a truck.

It’s just like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A lot of women say their husband never listens to them.

I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Somebody should market a beer called "Occasionally".

So when asked, I can say, "I only drink Occasionally.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I just found out it doesn't matter how early I go to sleep I just don't want to go to work.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Guys, i need help here. I just had an argument with my wife & she told me I was right.

"What do I do next?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Went for a jog today. I didn't want to, but the ice cream truck wouldn’t stop.