Dad jokes

@Mr 95% since you mentioned genies...

A man is walking along the beach on the Australian coast when he sees a lamp wash up.
Naturally he gives it a rub and a genie pops out.
Genie says: 'Thanks for releasing me, I can give you one wish, but as I'm still an apprentice genie, it has to be a simple wish'.
The man says: 'Well, I was born here but my family are all from New Zealand and I'm desperate to get over there and visit family. I'm terrified of both flying and sailing, so I'm wondering if you'll build me a bridge across the Tasman so I can drive?'
The genie looks at him sternly: 'I said a simple wish'.
So the fella thinks again and says 'OK, I've always wanted to understand women - what makes them tick, why they cry, why they hold grudges - you know, a bit of insight so I can be a better husband'.
The genie looks at him again and says 'That bridge - do you want 2 lanes or 4?' :-).
 
DinkumDog said:
@Mr 95% since you mentioned genies...

A man is walking along the beach on the Australian coast when he sees a lamp wash up.
Naturally he gives it a rub and a genie pops out.
Genie says: 'Thanks for releasing me, I can give you one wish, but as I'm still an apprentice genie, it has to be a simple wish'.
The man says: 'Well, I was born here but my family are all from New Zealand and I'm desperate to get over there and visit family. I'm terrified of both flying and sailing, so I'm wondering if you'll build me a bridge across the Tasman so I can drive?'
The genie looks at him sternly: 'I said a simple wish'.
So the fella thinks again and says 'OK, I've always wanted to understand women - what makes them tick, why they cry, why they hold grudges - you know, a bit of insight so I can be a better husband'.
The genie looks at him again and says 'That bridge - do you want 2 lanes or 4?' :-).
Click to expand...
Superb!
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
 
It’s Saturday night in paradise and Abdul the martyr wants some loving.


"Come hither my sweet high breasted one, that I may pleasure myself upon thee.

…

I'm Sorry?!

…

What...?!
……… ……. ..

Ohhhhhh shit not again!
….

No no it's not your fault darling.
…..

Its ok, it's ok.

Now this is called a penis..."



You know, after the first couple of virgins, I'd be wanting someone who knew what they were doing...
 
An old Arab guy was walking in the desert on his way home from work, suddenly he trips over something in his path, he gets up and sees it's a lamp.

He rubs it and a Jewish gennie pops out it, he said "you have released me so you get only 1 wish". The Arab demands that he wants his piss to be Arrak (super strong alcohol). The gennie claps his hands and said "it is done".

The old man rushes home excitedly to surprise his wife. He screams, "wife, go get 2 glasses now, we are getting drunk tonight", she replies "we can't afford milk so how can we afford alcohol?". He replies, "Don't worry, just get the glasses!"

So she gets the glasses, he pisses in them and they hesitantly taste it....it was Arrak! So they drank and drank until they fell asleep.

Next day comes around, the Arab goes to work and rushes home again. He yells "wife, bring 2 glasses", the wife gets them, he pisses in them and they get drunk.

The next day comes around, again he goes to work and rushes home. This time the wife is sitting at the table with 2 glasses ready. The Arab replies "we don't need the glasses", she replies "why? I want to drink!". He says "tonight's a special night, tonight you drink from the bottle!"

PS it's funnier in Arabic lol
 
FB_IMG_1612999392997.jpg
 
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”


I said “ No, she’s an optician”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top