Dad jokes

[south of heaven]

What's e.t. short for ?
Because the **** only has little legs

 

[Ecca]

And old lady runs in to a police station "officer officer i have just been graped"
The police officer says "excuse me dont you mean raped ?"
She said " no there was a bunch of them "

I have no words, to express my feelings toward this joke... bravo

 

[ASSASSIN]

FKN LOL

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One you shuck between fits and the other you fuck between shits

 

[Wolfmother]

Why is there only 25 letters in the alphabet at Christmas?


Because the Angels said Noel

 

[south of heaven]

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One you shuck between fits and the other you fuck between shits

Hahaha hahahaha nice

 

[south of heaven]

Why did the tomato blush ?
Because it saw the salad dressing

 

[Ecca]

Why did the tomato blush ?
Because it saw the salad dressing

That is my 5 years olds Favourite joke, was gonna post that here myself, so now I'll use his back up

Q. What wobbles in the sky?

A. A Jellycopter

 

[Wahesh]

@Reginald Forman this is the joke Krusty couldn't tell on Camera I think
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

FKN LOL

 

[Mr Invisible]

A well known comedian named Larry Lols heads into a barbers shop and sits down in the chair.
As the barber starts cutting his hair, Larry starts relaxing on his day off reading a book when another customer comes in for a haircut.
Customer: OH MY GOD its Larry Lols, tell us a joke you funny bastard
Larry: No it's my day off.
Customer: C'mon come on come on come on come on
Annoyed at being disturbed, the Larry puts, down his book, takes off his glasses, and turns around to the other customer
Larry: fine... Knock Knock
Customer: Whose there?
Larry: My hair.. are you blind... now shut the fuck up and let him finish.

The customer promptly shuts up.

 

[Wolfmother]

A bear and a rabbit were chucky a shit in the woods, the bear asks the rabbit "do you have problems with shit getting stuck on your fur?" The rabbit replied "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.

I've never understood the logic of this one . Wouldn't you need something that would stick to shit ?

 

[Memberberries]

Sarah Silverman thinks she has a pass!
Please someone say she is being anti-Semitic

 

[ASSASSIN]

I've never understood the logic of this one . Wouldn't you need something that would stick to shit ?

It's a lame joke mamacita, don't over analyse lol

 

[Lady Emerald]

Why are chefs cruel ?
Because they whip the cream and beat the eggs

Stop telling good jokes you funny little fucker!!

 

[Lady Emerald]

Kid: "Dad, I feel like an ice cream"

Dad: "Funny, you don't look like one"

Something my dad would say. Lol

 

[dogluva]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[dogluva]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushes her elbow and screams even more. She pushes her knee and screams.

Likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says, "Your finger is broken."

 

[dogluva]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

[dogluva]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble’.

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when he was horrified.

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World’

 

[Memberberries]

Here's a good Ol lame fav of mine.
Why did the leb cross the road?
To bash the chicken.
Why did the Lebs friends and cousins cross the road?
Because the chicken was winning

 

[dogluva]

Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?


She wanted to be a nurse.