Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What's the difference between an actor and a burnt rodent?

One’s Chris Pratt, the other is a crisp rat.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes.

So I stopped seeing her for a while.

 

[Wahesh]

A man walks into his house holding a duck.

Man: This is the pig I've been fucking
Wife: That's not a pig, that's a duck
Man: I was talking to the duck.

 

[Berries]

A black man goes to the doctors and says every time I have sex with a white women my eyes sting? The doctor replies “that would be the pepper spray “

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud mask.

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?"

I said: "I am too honest."

He said: "I don't think that's a weakness".

"Well, I don't give a f*ck what you think!”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I love my job. Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge.

I’m currently eating a yoghurt called Susan. How cute!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?

I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company.

I'm the main stake holder.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a naked bear?

A bare.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I bought some expensive laxatives from my pharmacy...

They gave me a good run for my money!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What is a skeleton’s favourite form of measurement?

Graveyards!