Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?

It's all over town.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Our local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I had a terrible nightmare in which I was forced to eat my own clone.

I almost pooped myself.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."

The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns.

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth full of water and die.

I know she really means well.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking - it’s going to be a massive change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Do you realise that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59PM, and the clock strikes midnight.

It’s same shit, different day.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.

They’ve left no tern unstoned.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”

Her: “Yes”.

Me: “I knew it!”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I told my son he shouldn't listen to losers.

Now he won't talk to me.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

She just really needed a shoulder to crayon.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My friend Barry drew me. But I‘m not insulted because...

I Drew Barrymore.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis - and I'm too old.

I said: "I'm only 40 love."

 

[alchemist]

Q. What do you call a masturbating cow?

A. Beef Stroganoff

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.

But at least now I can look back and laugh.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I’m done being a people pleaser.

If everyone’s ok with that.