Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My ex wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend.

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife just confessed that she broke my favourite lamp.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make any more, I'm toast.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I'm always Frank with my sexual partners.

I don't want them to know my real name.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I've offered my elderly neighbor $20 to let me try out her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me.

It's a matter of wife or death.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I hate it when my wife keeps telling me that “I don’t get it.”

I mean, what does it even mean?

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I pulled a muscle while panning for gold.

It was a miner injury.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I sued the airline company for losing my luggage.

Unfortunately, I lost the case.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What has 2 butts and kills people?

An assassin.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?

A lambslide.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes...

It's only a draft at the moment.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife and I just celebrated ten years of happy marriage.

It was, coincidentally, our 30th wedding anniversary.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied: “No.”

She responded: "How about now?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent...

It goes without saying.