Dad jokes

[DinkumDog]

Eating clocks is time consuming.

 

[DinkumDog]

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer.
But he had a great fall.

 

[DinkumDog]

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

 

[DinkumDog]

Went swimming this morning.
Took a sneaky pee in the deep end.
Lifeguard noticed.
Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in!

 

[DinkumDog]

I sued the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

 

[DinkumDog]

My mate left a turd in a lift.
He took that shit to another level.

 

[Family Guy]

My mate left a turd in a lift.
He took that shit to another level.

I thought this was supposed to be a thread about "bad jokes" but your last few have been outstanding, especially the ammonia joke. They're so good I'm gonna steal a few of them

This reminds me of a good joke that Fletcher told:

My penis was once in the Guinness World Book of records.....until the librarian saw me and told me to take it out

 

[DinkumDog]

Saw a book: ‘How to Solve 50% of your Problems’.
I bought two copies.

 

[DinkumDog]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.

'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds great,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?' 'At the circus,' says the barman. 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' asks the duck.
'That’s the one,' the barman replies.
'And the tent with a canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman..

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: ‘What the hell does the circus want a plasterer for??’

 

[Mr 95%]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.

'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds great,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?' 'At the circus,' says the barman. 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' asks the duck.
'That’s the one,' the barman replies.
'And the tent with a canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman..

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: ‘What the hell does the circus want a plasterer for??’

An oldie, but a classic!

 

[DinkumDog]

An oldie, but a classic!

Other bar joke:

Bloke walks into a bar and orders a pint. There’s no one else in there other than the barman so it’s quiet.

Suddenly there’s a comment: ‘Nice tie’.

The bloke looks up from his pint and says to the barman ‘Did you just tell me I had a nice tie?’.

Barman says : ‘No, it’s the nuts, they’re complimentary’.

Sorry .

 

[Mr 95%]

Other bar joke:

Bloke walks into a bar and orders a pint.
There’s no one else in there other than the barman so it’s quiet.

Suddenly there’s a comment: ‘Nice tie’.

The bloke looks up from his pint and says to the barman ‘Did you just tell me I had a nice tie?’.

Barman says : ‘No, it’s the nuts, they’re complimentary’.

Sorry .

Another classic!!

 

[Mr 95%]

There once was a farmer, who had three daughters, all going out on their first date at the same time. The farmer, who was very protective of his daughters, decided to meet all three respective suitors at the front door with a shotgun. The door bell rang and the farmer answered the door, and the guy said, “My name is Joe, I’m here for Flo. We are going to a show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer looked him over and let the kids go. The next guy arrived. “My name is Eddie. I’m here for Betty. We are going for some spaghetti. Is she ready?“ The farmer thought this guy was ok too, so he let them go as well. The final young man arrived, and the farmer opened the door, the guy began, “My name is Chuck..’ so the farmer shot him.

 

[Mr 95%]

There once was a farmer, who had three daughters, all going out on their first date at the same time. The farmer, who was very protective of his daughters, decided to meet all three respective suitors at the front door with a shotgun. The door bell rang and the farmer answered the door, and the guy said, “My name is Joe, I’m here for Flo. We are going to a show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer looked him over and let the kids go. The next guy arrived. “My name is Eddie. I’m here for Betty. We are going for some spaghetti. Is she ready?“ The farmer thought this guy was ok too, so he let them go as well. The final young man arrived, and the farmer opened the door, the guy began, “My name is Chuck..’ so the farmer shot him.

I guess the sad note to this story is that Chuck never got to finish the rest of his sentence.. ‘My name is Chuck. My Truck just got stuck. Would you be able to help me with any luck?’

Talk about the wrong guy at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
Ps..I have paraphrased this from a very witty response to this joke!

 

[N4TE]

American sports joke for the Super Bowl - Except it’s about baseball: -

Man walks into a bar with a dog and says to the barman:

This is a talking dog.

Barman says get out of here there is no such thing as a talking dog. In fact I tell you what I’ll give you $10,000 if that dog can talk but if it can’t you ow me $10,000 and I’ll throw you and your mutt through that window if it can’t. What do you say?

Man goes you got a deal...

Man asks his dog: What’s do you call that thing on top of a house?

Dog: ROOF!!

Man: What’s on the top of your mouth?

Dog: ROOF!!!

Man: Who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?

Dog: ROOF!!!!

Barman picks them both up and throws them through the front window...

Man is laying on the pavement in broken glass scratching his head and his dog gets up and says:

Do you think I should have said: DiMaggio?

 

[Mr 95%]

American sports joke for the Super Bowl - Except it’s about baseball: -

Man walks into a bar with a dog and says to the barman:

This is a talking dog.

Barman says get out of here there is no such thing as a talking dog. In fact I tell you what I’ll give you $10,000 if that dog can talk but if it can’t you ow me $10,000 and I’ll throw you and your mutt through that window if it can’t. What do you say?

Man goes you got a deal...

Man asks his dog: What’s do you call that thing on top of a house?

Dog: ROOF!!

Man: What’s on the top of your mouth?

Dog: ROOF!!!

Man: Who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?

Dog: ROOF!!!!

Barman picks them both up and throws them through the front window...

Man is laying on the pavement in broken glass scratching his head and his dog gets up and says:

Do you think I should have said: DiMaggio?

An oldie..but funny..if a little ’ruff’..

 

[Mr 95%]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a tiny little man playing a piano at the counter. He says to the bartender while looking at the guy playing music, “Wow that is amazing. Where did you get this guy from?“ The bartender replied, “See the guy over at the table there? He is a Genie, and is giving away a free wish to who ever asks him, for one day only.” The guy smiles, “I think I will go and try him out.“ So he walks over to the Genie and asks him about the one wish offer. The Genie says, “Yep, what do you want?” The guy says, “A million bucks!” Suddenly a million ducks surround him. The guy cries, “I wanted a million bucks“. The Genie turns away, “Sorry, only one wish per person.” The guy turns away and walks through the ducks, back to the bartender, sits down at the bar, and says, “I think that Genie is hard of hearing.” The bartender looks at him and raises his eyes, “Tell me about it. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist.”

 

[Chris Harding]

An investor is looking for a farm property, so he can use it as a tax minimisation scheme
He looks over a suitable place nor far from the city.

As the old farmer shows him around, he notices apiaries (bee hives) on one paddock, and says, "I won't buy the place if it has bees. I hate bees. They sting you. Horrible things".
The old farmer says "they're not mine; they belong to a fella in town. I let him keep them here. They go with the property, so I can't get rid of them"
The investor says, "well, I'm not buying it if there's bees."
The farmer says, "I'm confident they won't cause you any trouble or pain. I'll tell you what - how about I leave you in the paddock with them for an hour? If they sting you, you can have the place for free. If not, the deal's still on"
Being a bit of a gambler, the investor say, "OK".
The old farmer says, "and to prove how confident I am, l'll tie you, naked, to that tree, and come back in an hour".
A strange request, but the investor thinks he's onto a good deal, and agrees.

An hour later the farmer comes back and finds the investor hanging naked and limp from the tree; looking very pale and unwell.
He rushes up to him, and says,"I'm so sorry. I didn't think they'd go near you. Are you OK?"
The investor looks up, and mumbles, "The bees didn't sting me. The deal's still on. But for God's sake, will you tell that poddy calf I'm not its mother!"

 

[Hacky McAxe]

Reminder that Andrew Bolt is a really bad joke...

 

[Alan79]

Reminder that Andrew Bolt is a really bad joke...

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More than a joke it's an example of a protected media species not engaging his brain before divulging his ansolute stupidity to the public