Dad jokes

My wife just yelled at me, “You jerk, you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!?!”

What a strange way to start a conversation.
 
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.”

The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” and then he dies.
 
My wife accused me of being immature.

I was so upset, I told her to get out of my fort.
 
I cut myself shredding cheese. I wanted to blame someone else, but then I remembered...

With grate power comes grate responsibility.
 
Stupid J.jpg
 
At first I thought it was great marrying an archeologist.

But then I found out she was a gold digger and my life is in ruins.
 
I like to swap the M and N keys on people's keyboards in the office.

Some would say that I'm a monster, but I would say I'm a nomster.
 
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea", I replied, "We can cover more ground that way."
 
There’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.

Every week you get new matches!
 
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