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Really bad jokes

Mumma

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I find them amusing so start posting here.

This one I nearly fell off my chair...it's so stupid that I found it hilarious

 

Ecca

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St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught His attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go to the bathroom?"

What would Jesus do in this situation? "Well, sure!" replied Jesus. "What do I have to do here? What's the gig?"

St. Peter explained, "It's not rocket science. Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives - if they had children. Stuff like that. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

Jesus nodded, "Sounds easy enough. OK. Take as much time as you need in the bathroom, St. Peter."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. Everything was going OK. Jesus would ask the questions, make his decision, and then let the person thru the Pearly Gates or pull the lever and trapdoor them into Eternal Fire and Brimstone. No problem.

St. Peter was gone quite a while, but Jesus didn't mind, having infinite patience and being eternally long suffering and all that. But after He had processed several hundred recently deceased souls, Jesus was starting to get a little bored with all the humdrum answers he was hearing. But then a wrinkled little old man approached the gate. There was something vaguely familiar about him. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Carpenter? Certainly a worthy profession. Did you have any family?" the Savior asked.

The old man replied, "As a matter of fact, yes. Thanks for asking. I did have a son, but unfortunately I lost him."

Jesus perked up even more, and studied the old gentelman with closer scrutiny. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

The old carpenter explained, "Well, my son had holes in his hands and feet."

Tears immediately filled Jesus' eyes and His countenance lit up with a heavenly glow that defied all description. He opened His arms wide and with His voice trembling with emotion, He exclaimed in joyful recognition, "FATHER?"

The old carpenter raised his weary head. Puzzled at what he just heard the Savior call him, the old man studied Jesus' face, and then turned to look at Jesus' outstretched left hand, then at His right hand, and then both feet. Now also overcome with emotion, the old carpenter immediately embraced Jesus with all his might as he cried out - bursting with joy and happiness, "PINOCCHIO!"
 

Wahesh

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You want lame? They don't get any lamer than this (thanks to Wests Tigers training video on The Footy Show).

Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A: A blue bucket.

Q: What's orange and rhymes with parrot?
A: Carrot

 

Mumma

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:tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy: This one! So lame


Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.
 

Mumma

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Good ol' Mexican jokes. (Sister's partner is Columbian so I constantly call him a dirty Mexican)


Why aren't there any mexican's in hell?
they jumped the border
 

Hacky McAxe

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A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says:

"Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"

The piece of string walks outside, twists around to tie himself up, pulls pieces of the string out then walks back into the bar. The bartender says:

"Aren't you a piece of string?"

The piece of string says:

"I'm a frayed knot"
 

Mumma

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@Reginald Forman this is the joke Krusty couldn't tell on Camera I think
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"
 

ASSASSIN

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A bear and a rabbit were chucky a shit in the woods, the bear asks the rabbit "do you have problems with shit getting stuck on your fur?" The rabbit replied "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.
 

ASSASSIN

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Why was the sand wet?

Because the seaweed
 

ASSASSIN

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Kid: "Dad, I feel like an ice cream"

Dad: "Funny, you don't look like one"
 

south of heaven

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And old lady runs in to a police station "officer officer i have just been graped"
The police officer says "excuse me dont you mean raped ?"
She said " no there was a bunch of them "
 
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