Favorite jokes ?

[Bad Billy]

Q: what was the last pizza ordered at the world trade centre ?
A: a large plain

Q: how do you start a rave in the Sudan ?
A: glue toast to the ceiling

Q: what do you call a guy with no arms or legs, taped to a wall ?
A: art

 

[The-Game]

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge
display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French:
37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in
plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found
that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess

Lol It's not the funniest

 

[The-Game]

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.
It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?"
said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

 

[The-Game]

Recipe for Banana Bread


Ingredients:

2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana

Method:

1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils
and don't lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.

 

[Captain Kickass]

Bloke walks into a bar with his pet octopus.
Barman says "Sorry bud, you can't bring that in here, it's against OH&S".
Bloke says "... but you don't understand, this is isn't a regular octopus."
Barman says "Sorry mate, I don't care how good he is, ya can't bring him in."
Bloke says "... I'll tell you what ... if you can find a musical instrument that he can;t play, I'll pay YOU $100 and leave straight away"
Barman says "You're ON !"

Barman turns to the crowded room and announces "hey everyone ... this bloke here reckons his octopus can play musical instruments ... who's got one ?"

In the corner a fella shouts out "I've got a harmonica in me pocket ... here you go", and tosses it up to the bar. Baramn hands it to the bloke and says "There you go fella, lets see what he's got"

Bloke hands it to octopus and says "Alright Ocky ... play the harmoncia for the people !" - Without hesitating, he grabs it in one tentacle, shoves in the crevices of his body, and sounds begin coming out ! The pub roars in laughter, and after 20 seconds, the harmonica is retrieved, washed and handed back.

The surprised barman's attention is drawn to another fella who's just returned from his car, where he had a ukelele in his boot. That bloke hands the ukelele over, and the barman passes it on to the octopus owner and says "we're not done yet, get him to try this !". The bloke hands the ukelele to the octopus and says "there you go Ocky, play the ukelele for the people". Without hesitating, one tentacle goes on the neck, and another starts plucking strings. The bar roars with approval.

"I gotta admit mate, that's pretty impressive ... but I got one more ... I'll be back in 3mins" says the barman. He returns with a set of bagpipes and says "there you go ... let's see if your Ocky can play THAT !"

The bloke hands it to the octopus and says "Alright Ocky you know what to do !" .... Ocky grabs it ... looks at it ... turns it around ... turns it back again ... lifts it up to see the bottom ... rotates it 360-degrees .... this goes on for 30seconds

The barman announces "AHA ! What's the matter ? Can't he play it ???"

Immediately the octopus arks up and shouts .... "Play it ?!?!?! ... IF I could figure out how to get it's pyjamas off, I'm gonna take it home and F*CK it !!!"

 

[bulldogsfan_88]

Q: what was the last pizza ordered at the world trade centre ?
A: a large plain

Q: how do you start a rave in the Sudan ?
A: glue toast to the ceiling

Q: what do you call a guy with no arms or legs, taped to a wall ?
A: art

Oooohhhhh not sure about that one man but will admit had a good laugh at the rest of the page

 

[Bad Billy]

Oooohhhhh not sure about that one man but will admit had a good laugh at the rest of the page

Not good? Or not PC?

 

[The-Game]

^ Some people might find it offensive considering what happened. Little untasteful

 

[The-Game]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

 

[Bad Billy]

^ Some people might find it offensive considering what happened. Little untasteful

I accept this, but it is only a joke. It's not like I condone what happened ?? The best jokes are a little distasteful ?

 

[The-Game]

I accept this, but it is only a joke. It's not like I condone what happened ?? The best jokes are a little distasteful ?

I agree, That's the problem with society, even jokes are taken to seriously, It's not like you were saying it as a jab or rib at them. It was the same as the joke " What does N.A.S.A stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts" Man the amount of hate this radio show copped for it.

 

[Bad Billy]

I agree, That's the problem with society, even jokes are taken to seriously, It's not like you were saying it as a jab or rib at them. It was the same as the joke " What does N.A.S.A stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts" Man the amount of hate this radio show copped for it.

Sad but true.

 

[bulldogsfan_88]

I accept this, but it is only a joke. It's not like I condone what happened ?? The best jokes are a little distasteful ?

Yeah not sure man look I can laugh at a joke with the best of them but I think sometimes there are places people go that they probably shouldn't and personally I think that is one of them just cause of the ongoing impact today which stems from what happened then

anyway seriousness aside...

Julia Gillard, Guy Sebastian and a little girl are on a plane and the plane is going to crash but there aren't enough parachutes for everybody onboard. Guy Sebastian says that he has to take one because his voice is God's gift to mankind, he grabs one and jumps out of the plane. Julia Gillard says she needs one because she is the world's smartest woman and Australia needs her so she grabs one and jumps out. So the pilot and the girl look at each other and the pilot generously offers the girl the last chute saying that it is his responsibility to go down with the plane. At that point the girl starts laughing. The pilot is a bit bewildered and asks the girl what is so funny. Eventually she calms down enough to inform the pilot that everything is ok... the world's smartest women just grabbed my backpack.

 

[Tha DoggFather]

Q: How many Lebs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100. 1 to do it and 99 to stand around and say "sick ****, sick ****"

Q: How many blondes does it take to make choc chip cookies?
A: 100. 1 to make the dough and 99 to peel the M&M's

 

[Bad Billy]

Q: what's the difference between a lesbian in a porno and a real one ?
A: about 80kgs.

Q: what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?
A: a quarter pounder with cheese.

My mother-in-law is a BIG woman, last week she was hit by a car. The driver said he had room to go around her but didn't have enough petrol !

I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law the vet asked if I wanted him put down, I said f**k no ! I want his teeth sharpened !

A fat girl was dancing on a table at a nightclub last night. "Amazing legs" I said to her.
"do you really think so?" she giggled
"definitely" I said, "most tables would've collapsed by now !"

As I stepped out of the shower my wife laughed at me and and told me my penis resembled a tic-tac.
"if that's the case" I replied "how come your sister still has bad breath ?"

 

[Bad Billy]

A guy falls asleep on the beach and the wind blows sand over him until it's covered every thing but his big toe. An old nympho walks by, sees the big toe, pulls down her bikini bottoms and goes to work.
She humps away till she's satisfied, then pulls up her bikini and leaves. The guy wakes up, brushes the sand away, and leaves, none the wiser.
The next day his foot itches like hell and has a weird sore on it, so he goes to his doctor. After an examination the doc declares "you have syphilis of the big toe"
"syphilis of the big toe ?!" the guy exclaims "how is that possible ?"
The doctor says "you think that's strange ? I had a woman in here this morning with athletes pu*sy !"

 

[bulldogsfan_88]

A man is in big trouble. He has come home to discover that it is his anniversary and as usual he has forgotten. His wife is furious and so she insists that tomorrow morning there better be something in the driveway that goes 0-300 in 6 seconds or he don't bother coming home. The next day the husband gets up early and leaves for work. The wife wakes up and expectantly looks out the window where there is a small present wrapped in the driveway. The wife rushes outside and picks up the present and opens it. Inside to her disappointment she finds a set of scales. Needless to say her husband has not been seen or heard from since

 

[Wahesh]

The Lebanese Sense of Business

Tony, a Lebanese businessman, talks to his son.

Tony: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: I will choose my own bride
Tony: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter
Son: Well, in that case...

Next Tony approaches Bill Gates

Tony: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry
Tony: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...

Finally Tony goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Tony: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Tony: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case...

That's the Lebanese Sense of Business

 

[The DoggFather]

A rich man and a poor man were at a bar drinking on Christmas Eve...

Poor man: "What you get your wife for Christmas?"
Rich man: "A diamond ring and Mercedes"
Poor man: "Why did you get her both?"
Rich man: "If she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her Mercedes back to the jeweller, what did you get your wife for Christmas?"
Poor man: "Slippers and a dildo"
Rich man: "Why did you get her those?"
Poor man: "If she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself!"

Still my favourite joke lol

 

[The DoggFather]

The Lebanese Sense of Business

Tony, a Lebanese businessman, talks to his son.

Tony: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: I will choose my own bride
Tony: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter
Son: Well, in that case...

Next Tony approaches Bill Gates

Tony: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry
Tony: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...

Finally Tony goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Tony: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Tony: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case...

That's the Lebanese Sense of Business

Lebo business in the real world...

How many keys do you want? Wallah I have the best shit. Lol