Favorite jokes ?

[Bad Billy]

Searched for one but couldn't find it.
Considering how funny some of you cats are, I'm keen to hear what you've got.
I'll get us started.

A girl asks her mum "can I take the dog for a walk?" her mum replies "no she's on heat" "what's that mean?" she asks "just ask your dad" mum replies. So the girl tells her dad "mum won't let me take the dog for a walk, she says she's on heat" the father says "oh, it's ok just bring her to me first" the girl gets the dog and the father rubs petrol into the dogs crotch and says to the girl "just once around the block then straight back" the girl leaves with the dog and returns 10mins later without the dog. "what happened? Where's the dog?" the father says, the girl replies "she ran out of petrol halfway around and now another dog is pushing her home !"

 

[Özil]

How do 5 gay men walk?

In one direction

 

[Bad Billy]

Why is Justin bieber so white ?
Cause there's no sun in the closet !

 

[The-Game]

A horse goes into a bar... and the barman says "Hey why the long face?"

A nun is taking a bath when someone knocks at the door. She asks who it is, and the person says, "The blind man." So she lets him come into the bathroom. The man enters the room and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to put the blinds?"

What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?

I do not know, but you hope she enjoys it.


Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah ... no thanks,” he answered.“ I can get there myself.”

“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In !”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s face softened ..... “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.

An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”

Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”

The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”

Can't think of much atm lol

 

[chadiwrx]

Four Jamaicans were sitting around a camp fire near the beach. They were all philosophising on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Seymour said, "Me tink de fasses ting is a thought, because b4 u can tink it, it already thought."

Winston said, "Nah man, de fasses ting is a blink, cos b4 you tink 2 blink you dun blink already."

"Delroy said, "No man, da fasses thing is helectricity because when you turn on de lite, it travel fass & de lite come on.

Leroy said "Nah man, you aaaaaaaalllllll wrong man!! I know dat for a fact dat de fasses ting in de world is definitely diarrhea, cos las nite b4 I could tink, blink, or switch on de lite, me shit meself".

 

[chadiwrx]

Just after my wife had given birth,I asked the doctor "how soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me & said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes-meet me in the car park"

My dog went missing last week. I have been looking everywhere for him. The Mrs told me I should look harder. So I shaved my head and got a few tattoos but I still can't find the flipping dog!!

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

 

[Chicharito]

Four Jamaicans were sitting around a camp fire near the beach. They were all philosophising on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Seymour said, "Me tink de fasses ting is a thought, because b4 u can tink it, it already thought."

Winston said, "Nah man, de fasses ting is a blink, cos b4 you tink 2 blink you dun blink already."

"Delroy said, "No man, da fasses thing is helectricity because when you turn on de lite, it travel fass & de lite come on.

Leroy said "Nah man, you aaaaaaaalllllll wrong man!! I know dat for a fact dat de fasses ting in de world is definitely diarrhea, cos las nite b4 I could tink, blink, or switch on de lite, me shit meself".

haha gold

 

[Slippery]

What'd the Kiwi guy say to the Jewish guy?

Hebrew!


I will kill anyone who claims this joke as their own.

 

[Paint.]

Knock knock

Who's there?

No one.

No one who?

 

[TheBarba]

I hate jokes about German Sausages, they're the wurst.

What sexual position produces the ugliest children.... Ask your father

What does a hindu? Lay's eggs bro

 

[Tha DoggFather]

A rich man and a poor man were at a bar drinking on Christmas Eve...

Poor man: "What you get your wife for Christmas?"
Rich man: "A diamond ring and Mercedes"
Poor man: "Why did you get her both?"
Rich man: "If she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her Mercedes back to the jeweller, what did you get your wife for Christmas?"
Poor man: "Slippers and a dildo"
Rich man: "Why did you get her those?"
Poor man: "If she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself!"

 

[bulldogchook]

how does a kiwi find a sheep in long grass ????? very appealing

 

[TheBarba]

Young Kiwi doing his drivers test and the instructor says "Can you make a u-turn"
"No" he says" But I can make its bloody eyes bulge!"

Paddy applies for a job as a black smith, the blacksmith says to him ,have you ever shoed a horse before paddy?
Paddy replies no but I once told a donkey to F**k off.

 

[Bad Billy]

Q: what's rectangular and green ?
A: a really well disguised orange.

Q: what bounces and makes children cry ?
A: the cheque I wrote for world vision.

 

[Gladiator.]

Women's rights...

 

[Paint.]

How do you fit an elephant in a fridge?

You open the fridge, put the elephant in, then shut the fridge.

How do you fit a giraffe in a fridge?

You open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, then shut the fridge.

How do you fit 5 elephants in a car?

2 in the front, 3 in the back.

How many donkeys can you fit in a police car?

6 - 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and one on the top saying 'EEYORE, EEYORE, EEYORE"

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's red, brown and sticky?

That bloody stick again!

 

[Paint.]

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant, deadant-deadant-deadant-deadant-deadaaaaant

 

[VAI]

a wife bought herself some crotchless panties to be sexy for her hubby

she opens her legs and says "do you want some of this?"

he says "hell no!! look what it did to your underwear!!"

 

[The-Game]

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and ****, and then you disappear."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women�s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're ****ing ugly! ( hahahahaha)

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that ****". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

 

[The-Game]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"



A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."