Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
The Australian Poetry Competition was was on last night and it came down to two finalist.
A university graduate and and an old aboriginal elder.
For the final, both competitors would be given the same word and have 60 seconds to write a poem about it.
The compare announced, the word is Timbuktu and a hush fell across the audience. Both men quickly wrote their best effort and 60 seconds later, it was "pens down"
First up was the university graduate, his effort at the end of 60 seconds was.....
"Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely, caravan.
men on camels, two by two,
destination---- Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild, cheering and clapping.
No way, anyone was going to top that they thought.
The aboriginal elder picked up his piece of paper and preceded to recite his effort.
"Me and Tim, a hunting went,
We met three whores in a pop up tent.
They were three and we was two,
So i bucked one and Tim bucked two.
The aboriginal won.....
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ?
