Divorce/Separation: Thoughts, Experiences.

[CroydonDog]

Your marriage is clearly over
The (adult) kids already know that.
Stuff any religious arguments.
You haven't mentioned any financial reasons why you can't.

From a divorcee, now very happily remarried: Sorry to be blunt, but just do it. You have to be separated for a year to be divorced. Hell, you don't even have to ever get divorced. I know couples who separate for years/decades and don't bother.

 

[UmoGus]

My parents divorced when I was young. They despise each other and can not be in the same room or they will rip each others head off. It was abit tough at first but my relationship with my parents is 10 times better then what it was when they were together.

A shitty marriage affects the whole family, your kids will understand.

 

[Bazildog]

Your marriage is clearly over
The (adult) kids already know that.
Stuff any religious arguments.
You haven't mentioned any financial reasons why you can't.

From a divorcee, now very happily remarried: Sorry to be blunt, but just do it. You have to be separated for a year to be divorced. Hell, you don't even have to ever get divorced. I know couples who separate for years/decades and don't bother.

This is fairly harsh, but pretty much on the money. Marriage is tough and things have to work otherwise there is misery for one and sometimes all, so there is absolutely no credit for keeping a broken unfixable home together. I have been extremely lucky to be married to the same woman for almost 40 years and the union is stronger than ever. But, I have seen many family members and friends suffer thru unworkable or simply gone bad unions.

Some have tried all they can and some could have maybe done more but the result is the same, if it doesnt work it just doesnt work and there is no magic formula. 3 years without intimacy sounds like its already broken, unless you guys are in your eightys...

P.S as someone from a broken home as a kid I can tell you kids are smarter than you think and they can see whats going on. They wont like it but they will deal with it.

 

[Doogie]

Ouch bro - never pretty.

Haven't been through it myself but have friends who have (in one case - three times ffs). There are some golden rules to this imv.
1) Kids are #1 - no matter what you and the missus think of each other
2) You married the missus I assume because you thought she was right for you. You divorce the missus because you think its not right for you. Do whats right for you (noting rule #1). No one has enough time on this planet to be miserable.
3) Be prepared that if it goes nasty, to know your legal situation. If you can keep the negotiations away from court, happy days. If not, keep in mind that all the laundry will get aired, mostly in front of the kids. Be firm in your decision but also whats negotiable and what is not (keeping in mind rule #1). I promise, this is the part that each and everyone of my mates has complained about. And fck me, you'd be surprised how, if the other half has a mind to, nasty it can get.
4) see rule #1.

Plenty of great advice here but honestly, if you decide to do this, this is the best advice you will receive. Know your rights legally and if possible, avoid courts and do it via family services. Cheaper and cleaner that way.

Cannot stress this enough - once you go there - assume all bets are off from the other half. You can walk the high road but get some quality legal before the door gets opened. Best case, you'll never need it. Worst case, you'll think its the smartest thing you've ever done.

 

[Weak Gutted Dog]

Difficult topic to bring up.

It's been an issue, separation that I've been making plans for in my head for the past 3 or 4 years. Mentally man it's draining.

There are 2 sides to every story. I feel I just can't live with the Mrs any more. Everything I do is wrong (maybe I'm too sensitive), but the name calling, the fact that she could've had others, ruined her life, insulting my late parents etc

I'm Catholic.....I believe but really don't go to church. I try in all honesty man to treat people like I'd want to be treated. I'm reasonably popular but the ONLY thing stopping me is my kids. They're young adults and don't live at home but I don't know I worry what it's gonna do to them.

Mate of mine recently got divorced and cannot stand being in the same building (truly) as his ex.

Lastly, we have slept separately in different rooms for the past 3 years. Celibacy doesn't bother me 1 bit. I have my 3 dogs that love me unconditionally and keep me sane. I went for over a month back home to Italy this year, left her behind and was in total serenity. I'm doing the same next year.

Please don't suggest counselling as according to the Mrs there's nothing wrong with her.

If you know in your heart it’s over then have the courage.

The serenity you speak of will be with you forever after.

You have to be true to yourself and honest with your kids and your wife. And at all time s respectful to her regardless of what she throws at you.

It’s one life. Life it with honesty and vulnerability and courage.

Ps- I was in the same situation. Just wish I had been upfront and transparent sooner.
Now it’s serenity on a daily.

 

[HD and Ink]

First I just want to sincerely say a MASSIVE THAN YOU for the advice and support. You are a fantastic bunch.

I have been at my siblings with my closest mate Nod and we spent the arvo talking about it.

OK I now feel so so much mentally better. I'll be staying in their investment town house not too far from Erina. They are charging me not very much at all and in return, I'll paint, fix the garden, re roof the pergola....that stuff.

The current tenant moves out end of Jan and that's when I can move in. It's so so perfect because it gets me over Christmas and now I have a solid date I can take a heap of uncertainty out.

I will keep hush til the day I leave.

Again thanks for your support, advice and best wishes......it really meant a lot and encouraged me to talk about this open secret to family and best mate.

 

[Cosmo24]

Feel for you mate.
Currently in a situation that sounds a little similar in some ways, obviously there are so many factors that make each person’s situation unique so I don’t like to compare.

I’m probably a bit further along than yourself as I’m very confident it’s the right decision and that getting through this shit period will bring a significantly brighter life for me and my kids.

I have younger kids than you that I pretty much care for full time. They are too young to really understand the why’s and the what’s.

I don’t really have any specific advice as I struggle with piecing all of my own stuff together each day. I also just lost my grandfather today so a fair bit going on and this post probably won’t read perfectly.

Just try and do what is right for you and the kids. Agree that kids come first and they are resilient buggers at any age and if they continue to have even one consistent and caring parent, you can limit the psychological impact. That’s what I’m going with anyway.

The Kennel family give excellent advice or it’s a great place to just vent your feelings / situation to get different perspectives.

Hope the situation gets better for you and your kids soon

 

[The DoggFather]

I'm happy and proud of the blokes in this thread talking real and helping out a mate.

Well done gentlemen!

 

[N4TE]

I'm happy and proud of the blokes in this thread talking real and helping out a mate.

Well done gentlemen!

I don’t usually get teary but well done boys looking out for each other.. No shame in that just respect and empathy understanding and advice.

 

[HD and Ink]

I don’t usually get teary

Yep.O told Assain on the quiet that I was getting a bit misty.....no shame men to feel.

And I agree what a great bunch on here. Helpful and no judgement.

Thank you

 

[Powerslide]

Again thanks for your support, advice and best wishes......it really meant a lot and encouraged me to talk about this open secret to family and best mate.

Glad you have spoken to someone that can be there for you, just having someone to voice your thoughts with can help to make sense of it all. Everyone's circumstances are unique but know that there a plenty of people out there that have had some similar experiences that can all help make sense of it.

Judgement nah, unless you are talking about footy then all bets are off ...

 

[Roger the alien]

To all my kennel brothers and sisters, life truly is too short to be unhappy, nothing will ever be perfect in life but I hope you all find a happy place that gives you peace.
If you wanna bicker and argue we'll always have the kennel to vent in a positive way lol

 

[Tassie Devil]

Difficult topic to bring up.

It's been an issue, separation that I've been making plans for in my head for the past 3 or 4 years. Mentally man it's draining.

There are 2 sides to every story. I feel I just can't live with the Mrs any more. Everything I do is wrong (maybe I'm too sensitive), but the name calling, the fact that she could've had others, ruined her life, insulting my late parents etc

I'm Catholic.....I believe but really don't go to church. I try in all honesty man to treat people like I'd want to be treated. I'm reasonably popular but the ONLY thing stopping me is my kids. They're young adults and don't live at home but I don't know I worry what it's gonna do to them.

Mate of mine recently got divorced and cannot stand being in the same building (truly) as his ex.

Lastly, we have slept separately in different rooms for the past 3 years. Celibacy doesn't bother me 1 bit. I have my 3 dogs that love me unconditionally and keep me sane. I went for over a month back home to Italy this year, left her behind and was in total serenity. I'm doing the same next year.

Please don't suggest counselling as according to the Mrs there's nothing wrong with her.

Tough read that mate and am sorry you're struggling at this point.

While all of us here no doubt want the best for you, ultimately what we say should mean nothing.

At the end of the day, you'll need to look within yourself and make that decision for yourself and yourself only.

You seem old school, which is cool, so perhaps you see this as being selfish which I understand. I mean, you're putting yourself before others so that's being selfish, no?

The reality, to me at least, is that you can't help or be good to others if you're not good to yourself first. No matter how hard you try, people will feel that ... imo at least.

It seems as though you know what next step to take, but your love and worry for your kids is holding you back. Which shows what a good man you are.

What I'll say is this. Any adverse affects your children get from your relationship to your wife will have been formed by the age of 13. Anything after doesn't really impact too much as it's already engrained in them.

So, if you take that step to separation I don't believe it'll have a massive impact on their mentality at all as they would already have gone through it all.

As I said tho, what I or others say should have very little bearing on your decision. You already know the right solution.

If you need to chat anytime hit me up as I'll be the most likely to be awake at the times everyone else is asleep. That goes to everyone else on here also. If you're having a bad night and have no one to speak to hit me up.

Unless you're a Man United supporter of course!

 

[HD and Ink]

Your marriage is clearly over
The (adult) kids already know that.
Stuff any religious arguments.
You haven't mentioned any financial reasons why you can't.

Yes marriage is over we both know. Sick of the pretend in public.....my 2 closest mates know. My siblings know or suspect.

I think the kids have read the signs but thats different to saying it direct

Well not a church goer (lazy) but I'll leave that

Financially well I now have a place to go in Jan. Will save for some furniture. I can give her half my wage and she earns whatever doing casual teaching.
Trust be financially for me its a bargain

 

[CroydonDog]

All the best man. Sounds like you have a clear head, but it must be still very weird going through these plans in secret, after being together for so long.

Marriages ending doesn't make anyone or anything a failure. People change over time, and other factors get in the way as well. Life's just too short. You will find out who your true mates are, and they will rally around you.

When my Dad passed away a couple of years ago my parents were married for a few months shy of their 50th wedding anniversary. I remember as a kid they used to argue (i think he got stressed due to there not being a lot of money), but right up the end, they were very much in love. Si i think i had very good role models when it came to relationships. But my own first marriage crumbled after only about 4 years. Young and silly combined with an ectopic pregnancy which almost killed her etc. These things just happen sometimes. Lucky for us (ironically), we didn't have kids and not a lot by way of assets, so we had a pretty cruisy break up compared to a lot of others i know. I have a mate that, even after being separated for several years, its lawyers at 10 paces and he can't even have a direct conversation with her about their daughter.

 

[SPEARTAKVIDREFS]

Every relationship is different.
My wife and I have very little in common, its amazing how differant we are.
We met when we were at our lowest yet our lives are 10 times better and differant today for it. We are best mates and supported each other.
Weve been together 20+ years.
A couple of years ago we started having issues. There were days I didnt want to come home from work and times where I was looking at apartments. We had been sleeping in seperate rooms for some time but that decision was made because of shift work hours initially. We actually got to the point and agreed on separating and how we would split the assetts/finacials.
It was a horrible place to be at knowing we were done. I said to her maybe we should go see a councilor. We both felt after being with each other for so long we should atleast give it a go.
Now I always said theres no way id go to a councilor if I was in a relationship and it got to the point where we couldnt communicate. What kind of relationship is that? I grew up with parents sepearated and went onto have other messy relationships. Mum went to counciling for her 2nd marriage and nothing changed. You always knew the relationship was doomed.
Anyways we went a couple of times.
It made a world of difference. Its hard to say but all the deep resentment stuff (for both of us) has dissipated. Its taken a little while. I thought the opposite would happen, that we would just go back to the same old shit but that hasnt happened.
We still have disagreements at times but we dont have ugly arguments. We actaully talk things through.
Anyways you have mentioned counseling was not an option.
As I said, every relationship is different. All I can do is share my own experience.

 

[maroondog72]

Life is short, you are going to be dead a long time if you are unhappy and so is she, get out. I have been married for 24 years and like everyone else we’ve had ups and downs but if it ever got to a point where one or both of us wasn’t putting in to make it work we wouldn’t hesitate to seperate. I wish you all the best mate.

 

[Powerslide]

Every relationship is different.
My wife and I have very little in common, its amazing how differant we are.
We met when we were at our lowest yet our lives are 10 times better and differant today for it. We are best mates and supported each other.
Weve been together 20+ years.
A couple of years ago we started having issues. There were days I didnt want to come home from work and times where I was looking at apartments. We had been sleeping in seperate rooms for some time but that decision was made because of shift work hours initially. We actually got to the point and agreed on separating and how we would split the assetts/finacials.
It was a horrible place to be at knowing we were done. I said to her maybe we should go see a councilor. We both felt after being with each other for so long we should atleast give it a go.
Now I always said theres no way id go to a councilor if I was in a relationship and it got to the point where we couldnt communicate. What kind of relationship is that? I grew up with parents sepearated and went onto have other messy relationships. Mum went to counciling for her 2nd marriage and nothing changed. You always knew the relationship was doomed.
Anyways we went a couple of times.
It made a world of difference. Its hard to say but all the deep resentment stuff (for both of us) has dissipated. Its taken a little while. I thought the opposite would happen, that we would just go back to the same old shit but that hasnt happened.
We still have disagreements at times but we dont have ugly arguments. We actaully talk things through.
Anyways you have mentioned counseling was not an option.
As I said, every relationship is different. All I can do is share my own experience.

Yeah every relationship is different, if you wake up each morning and when you see your wife what are the things that go through your head?

1) I wish we didn't get into this situation where did we go wrong? I don't know what to do or how to change it.

2) Another fucking day staring at that face hearing that voice...

I think we know which a counsellor can help.

if a relationship has self destructed but you can still kinda get along, sounds like the relationship has just changed into more of a friend relationship and you can chose to keep that and not lose it by redefining the relationship, and a good counsellor can help with that.

we went to a counsellor and it was just another opportunity for her to have a go at me, counsellor was supporting her and her attack of me and when I said that she had an illness and needed to see someone I was continually reminded, their are two people in the relationship... so I paid to be abused by two women. The counsellor did ask her would she see someone, she said no because their was nothing wrong. That was the last time I was able to bring it up unchallenged. instead just had to listen through all her paranoid delusions.

I think if you go into counselling with both being honest and neither having a mental illness the counsellor can help you by either helping you address the underlying issues or saying nope this one is done put a fork in it, but if the counsellor is getting paid by the hour they may be motivated to string you along, for another few sessions.

but my experiences are my own

 

[SPEARTAKVIDREFS]

Yeah every relationship is different, if you wake up each morning and when you see your wife what are the things that go through your head?

1) I wish we didn't get into this situation where did we go wrong? I don't know what to do or how to change it.

2) Another fucking day staring at that face hearing that voice...

I think we know which a counsellor can help.

if a relationship has self destructed but you can still kinda get along, sounds like the relationship has just changed into more of a friend relationship and you can chose to keep that and not lose it by redefining the relationship, and a good counsellor can help with that.

we went to a counsellor and it was just another opportunity for her to have a go at me, counsellor was supporting her and her attack of me and when I said that she had an illness and needed to see someone I was continually reminded, their are two people in the relationship... so I paid to be abused by two women. The counsellor did ask her would she see someone, she said no because their was nothing wrong. That was the last time I was able to bring it up unchallenged. instead just had to listen through all her paranoid delusions.

I think if you go into counselling with both being honest and neither having a mental illness the counsellor can help you by either helping you address the underlying issues or saying nope this one is done put a fork in it, but if the counsellor is getting paid by the hour they may be motivated to string you along, for another few sessions.

but my experiences are my own

Ive heard similar experiences to yours where the councilor has sided with the man or the women. Sounds so unprofessional.
I dont believe that is the job of a councilor nor is it the job of a councilor to offer their opinion.
My belief is a councilor is there to mediate. They should be experienced to know what considerations to put forward after listening and hopefully find a pathway to get both parties to actually consider each others point of view.

You raised some interesting points.
Both parties need to be willing, fuck paying for counseling otherwise.

Also redefining a relationship. Thats actually what I thought we were doing through counseling but now that time has passed it doesnt feel like that anymore. Some how weve kinda made it back to where we once where before we got into a rut. Its hard too explain.

But yeah its not going to be a solution to every marriage.

 

[Rodzilla]

if you do have sex again the best thing to do is act like you couldn't cum, but play it off like you were trying your hardest then just give up, apologise and walk away or watch tv