Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife won’t talk to me - not sure why.

She just asked me what the female equivalent of the 'mancave' is.

And I told her it's called the kitchen.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer.

But I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a canon printer for years.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I spend my time telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.

It’s about raisin awareness.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

You’re living, you occupy space, and you have mass.

You know what that means?

You matter.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

“Whatever means necessary,” she replied.

“No, it doesn’t,” I said.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant.

But then I changed my mind.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

For years I suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden.

When I asked her, she just shrugged - the plot thickens

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Cryptic Ghost]

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[Bulldog Wrestler]

Me: What do you know about atoms?

Son: Very little…

Me: besides that.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My 4 year old son can't say "please" in Spanish.

That's poor for 4.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?

A private toot-er.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a boat full of buddies?

A friendship.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?

Two animals that are in a baa-d moo-d.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?

...pretty nuts!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Tomorrow my son and I are getting new glasses. And after that?

We'll see.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A man loses three fingers in a work accident.

At the hospital he asks the doctor, “Will I be able to drive with this hand?”

The doctor replies, “Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Who was the builder of King Arthur’s round table?

Sir Cumference.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife asked me "is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "no it's just you" wasn't the right answer.