Well tomorrow is D-Day for me to see if I'm back inside or not. Been eating and drinking like a king just in case I do lol.
At least I have the RWC to keep me occupied.
Sometimes? I'm at a constant battle with myself lol.
At night I can't switch my brain off, I tried this last night with head phones it actually slowed me down a bit and got me out of a full spin
You guys are two of the most loveable and down to earth people I know and that is the most frightening thing about the struggles you are both having at the moment.Depression and doubt does not discriminate and it can be the problem of those who are thought to be the biggest and the best just like it can for those who are weak. It is how we deal with it that defines us as a person. Just know, that no matter what life throws at you, and no matter how bad things seem to be, there are people in your corner saying a prayer for you and willing you to get the better of the shit that life throws at you. I am one of them....
Assassin...you are one of the strongest and most dynamic people I have ever met. It is a privilege to be able to say that to you. I fondly remember the meeting at Belmore, that day was special for all of us, but more so for the people that were there for you, We could finally put a name to a face and get a better understanding of you and the fight that lay ahead. We got to meet your family and got to understand just how important you are to them and they to you. Even though you could not physically join in the fun of footy on the hallowed turf of Belmore you did in a way through your young fella as he gave us a look at just how connected he is with you. That day you were playing on that patch of grass...he did the running and the passing and kicking for you...
Your banter and connection with Peter, wow....who else but someone also fighting a battle could fully understand just what life can throw at you. Sadly he is no longer with us, but I know he is probably sending positive thoughts your way too. He will be saying not to doubt, not to believe that things won't get better.
Those negative thoughts that haunt you at night and the physical problems that burden you...I can't pretend to even know how that must be for you, nobody else really can ,but one thing that I do know....you won't give up and you won't let them get the better of you. You are fighting the good fight, the honourable fight and you know what? Yep, you'll win. You have a beautiful wife and kids and that is a great motivation for you...time spent with them is precious and you deserve to have a lot of time with them, just like they deserve to have a lot of time with you.
How many times has it come down to your last chance? How many times have you thumbed your nose at that? Do the same now and just keep on doing it...show them up if you do have to 'go back inside'. Don't you dare ever think that it will be too difficult or you will have to deal with Mama and we don't want that happening now do we????
Southy; you opened your home and your heart to us all and we got to see a man who also loves his family and has also faced things head on. It takes a great deal of bravery to tell others what you have revealed here, being open and honest and it is nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing more frightening than that nagging little voice inside our head telling us that we are worthless, making us doubt ourselves and all we do and facing things alone is the wrong way to deal with it and a burden shared is a burden halved. You are kind of heart, putting others before yourself ,but smart enough to ask for help when you are struggling.
I hope that whatever it is that has caused those demons to surface will be fixed sooner rather than later. I know you have tried a million things to try and quiet them and that it has been difficult to deal with. Meditation, medication,work, telling others, all the traditional ways of trying to quiet the thoughts have not helped you, that you have admitted, until you started listening to that tape. If it helps keep it up,it certainly won't hurt. I find that if I have thoughts that keep me awake I write them down and acknowledge that at that particular time I can't make them go away or stop and will look at it in the light of day. It helps me and maybe it is worth a try for you. Try to sort the important things that can't wait from those that can. You are not one to shirk responsibility, you never have been. You have had to deal with a lot of things and that can get you down, but you need to learn to prioritize. Stay safe.