Really bad jokes

[Mr 95%]

After numerous rounds of ‘We don’t know if Kim Jong Un is still alive’, Kim Jong Un himself decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


370HSSV-0773H


Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his aides who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. None could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.


With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked the Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, ‘Tell the President, he’s holding the message upside down.’

 

[Wahesh]

What's the latest Irish invention? A Molotov cocktail... using a plastic bottle.

 

[Where's Pea?]

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?

 

[MatstaDogg]

Why do women always like to have sex with the lights out?

Because they never like to see men having a good time.

 

[Memberberries]

Why did the Leb cross the road?
To bash the chicken.

Why did the gang of Lebs cross the road?
Because the chicken was winning.

 

[Bob dog]

Sanctimonious propaganda

 

[Wahesh]

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Francisco, who used to
help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,
I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my
chili gardenz this year. I just getting too viejo to dig a garden, but
if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the
plot for me.
Siempre, tu poppy

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Poppy,
Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the
BODIES!
Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Poppy,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now. Its the best I could do.
Love, Francisco

 

[south of heaven]

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Francisco, who used to
help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,
I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my
chili gardenz this year. I just getting too viejo to dig a garden, but
if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the
plot for me.
Siempre, tu poppy

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Poppy,
Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the
BODIES!
Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Poppy,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now. Its the best I could do.
Love, Francisco

Fucking bahahahah

 

[Wahesh]

LMAO got it by looking through a 15 year old email just now

 

[Squash the Berries!]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I've no idea as chickens don't talk.

 

[Wahesh]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[dogluva]

Don't know if this has been posted but heard it the other day....

Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $120, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[Cook]

Why does Michael Jackson like 26 year olds? Because there’s 20 of them!!!

 

[Scoooby]

How many Edison’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

who cares, he stole the idea so doesn’t deserve his own joke .!!

 

[Alexander the Great]

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

 

[Where's Pea?]

I can never understand women.

Might help if I took the gag out of their mouth.

 

[MatstaDogg]

I can never understand women.

Might help if I took the gag out of their mouth.

I've heard that one before, but instead of gag it was cock. Well, actually it was a video. Guy was talking to camera saying "I can never understand women, might help if I took my cock out of their mouth" as he panned it down to him copping a BJ from some bird. Quite funny actually

 

[Wahesh]

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[DinkumDog]

Some spaghetti, linguine and lasagna were having a chat over a drink at a party when they noticed some other pasta standing by himself in a corner. The spaghetti says: ‘Invite him over, he looks cannelloni’.

I’ll be here all week .

 

[oldpuppy]

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?

TEN

1 to change the light bulb and the other 9 to sing about how good the old bulb was.