Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

At the office barbecue I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany.

She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn't think I would wear it.

I replied "Wooden tie?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?

Sealion.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Is "buttcheeks" one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What kind of dog lives in a toilet?

Poodle.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you do when you’re being attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I told my wife I'm going to a grocery store, she asked: aren't you gonna tell me what for?

To which i replied: there's no thyme!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I visited my friend at his new house.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out.

I hate visitors.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I married my wife for her looks.

Though not the ones she been giving me lately.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a mobile home for insane horses?

Unstable.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

It’s not a bad bod,

It’s a father figure.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.