Dad jokes

My girlfriend is leaving me because she can't stand the herbs I have been using in the kitchen.

Bae leaves.
 
Bad J.jpg
 
Son: I’m tired…

Me: at least you’re not a bicycle, then you’ll be two-tired.
 
My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could get stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.
 
My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?
 
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.
 
Heard there’s a place in France where people always wear clothing a size bigger than they need.

Some say it's Toulouse.
 
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

Doctor: “5 penises? How do your trousers fit?”

Man: “Fits like a glove.”
 
I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.

I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture, they said “yes”.
 
A traveling salesman offered me a deal on a coffin.

I told him that's the last thing I need.
 
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
 
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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.
 
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
 
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