Funny Jokes

[DaBulldog]

Anyone know any funny jokes. I will start off.

“I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person.”

 

[Alan79]

Anyone know any funny jokes. I will start off.

“I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person.”

There's a whole thread full of great jokes and memes mate.
The funny picture/meme thread

Also a second dad jokes thread with some good jokes.
Dad jokes

I haven't linked them but search those titles and it should keep you chuckling a while.

 

[DaBulldog]

There's a whole thread full of great jokes and memes mate.
The funny picture/meme thread

Also a second dad jokes thread with some good jokes.
Dad jokes

I haven't linked them but search those titles and it should keep you chuckling a while.

Yes I know mate, but this is just for jokes. Dad jokes can be short and different too. Still funny I agree though. Just thought I’d add something a little different.

 

[DaBulldog]

Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.

“What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”

“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”

 

[DaBulldog]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death” He turned around and said “So you want me to stay?”

 

[DaBulldog]

The doctor gave the 85 year old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

 

[Sandra's Bollocks]

So when are you gonna post the jokes?

















Lol I kid, I kid!

 

[DaBulldog]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[Trinfly]

Jesus walks up to 3 men in a bar an Aussie, American, and a Irish man, explains who he is and helps the American with bad eyesight the Irish man with a bad back and walks up to the Aussie and before Jesus can say a word the man says "dont touch me im on compo"

 

[DaBulldog]

Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table.

Father, "Can you please pray for dinner!"

Little Johnny, "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Dad’s computer. Amen!"

 

[DaBulldog]

Why did the cross-eyed Teacher lose her job? She couldn’t control her Pupils.

 

[N4TE]

Old old old but still a bit amusing

 

[DaBulldog]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six,” he said.

 

[DaBulldog]

A uni student first year decided to try out for the rugby league team.

“Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the student, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it into splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred metre dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The uni student hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said. “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

 

[DaBulldog]

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next morning she woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again and asked to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and feed all the hungry children in the world.

The next morning she woke up and still she didn't win. Finally, out of frustration she shouted at the sky, "why won't you let me win the lottery and do good for the world!"

Suddenly the clouds spread apart and God said onto the blonde, "I'm trying to help you here but you need to buy a lotto ticket first.

 

[DaBulldog]

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time.

“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”, the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

 

[DaBulldog]

A man went to the supermarket and was there for about five minutes. When he came out he found a motorcycle policeman writing a parking ticket. So the man went up to him and said: “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

The officer ignored the man and continued writing the ticket. So the man called him a pencil-necked idiot. He glared at the man and started writing another ticket for worn tyres!

So the man then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he’s so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more the man insulted the officer, the more tickets he wrote. The man didn’t care. His car was parked around the corner.

 

[DaBulldog]

A husband and wife were getting ready for bed. The wife was standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a long, hard look at herself.

“You know,” she says. “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby”.

She turns to her husband and says: “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself”.

He thinks about it for a bit and then says: “Well … there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.

 

[DaBulldog]

Old old old but still a bit amusing

Love it, never seen that before.

 

[DaBulldog]

My mum died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.