Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I met my wife on Tinder.

That was awkward.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A friend of mine named his dog ‘5 miles’ so he could tell people he walked 5 miles.

But today he ran over 5 miles...

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife apologised for the first time ever today.

She said she's sorry she even married me.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did you hear about the big Lego sale?

People were lined up for blocks.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife rearranged the labels on my spice rack…

Haven’t confronted her yet but the thyme is cumin.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I told my wife: Your underwear is far too revealing.

She replied: Wear your own then.

 

[BlackJackBulldog]

 

[The DoggFather]

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

@Doogie

 

[Actros]

Somewhere between murder and suicide is a place called Merseyside !

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

To the man in wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What's the hardest thing about being a cross-eyed teacher?

Controlling your pupils.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call an extremely clingy alien?

A personal space invader.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

The CEO of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker.

But I think she's bluffing.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What did the shipmates find in the toilet?

The Captain’s Log.