Dad jokes

alchemist

alchemist

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A girl decides that she can no longer hide something from her parents and goes to her father: "Daddy... I'm pregnant" she announces.

"WHAT?!" the father storms at the news. "By whom?!" he asks.

The girl responds: "Well, there was this man and..."

"A man?" the father queries. "Is he older than you?" the father's voice betraying his concern that his teenage daughter was exploited by some predator.

"Yes, but he was really nice and we connected and... well... one thing led to another and we were careful but..." the girl continued.

"Are you sure you're pregnant?" The girl nodded.

"Does he know?" The girl nodded again.

"And? Let me guess, he wants nothing to do with you now?" the father asked scornfully.

"No, no" the girl continued. "He wants to come by tonight and discuss the situation with you and Mum."

"Good," the father responded threateningly. "I want to DISCUSS some things with him, too!"

That night her mother prepared dinner and the three of them waited for the man to turn up.

The man was punctual as he drove up in an expensive car wearing designer clothes. He said his greetings to the girl's parents and immediately addressed their concerns:

"Sir," the man said to the obviously furious father, "I understand your anger and concern but I have the best of intentions towards your daughter and I assure you I will provide for any child of mine."

"I don't mean to brag but my family is well off," the man continued at the sceptical father.

"If your daughter has a son, I will pay for all his needs, I will pay for the best schooling, I will provide an apartment for him when he is older as well as interests in a couple of my family's businesses so that he will have a rewarding career," the man promised.

"If she has a daughter, I will pay for all her needs, the best schooling and buy her a house for when she is older for her to start her own family," the man said confidently.

"But... if your daughter were to miscarry, well," the man continued but before he could finish, the father quickly patted the man on the knee telling him -->

"You'll f*+# her again!"
 
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Number18

Number18

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A guy goes into Bunnings to buy four heaters for the upcoming winter.

He goes to the checkout and the operator says to him" four heaters" and he replies, " no thanks mate I just ate…
 
TwinTurbo

TwinTurbo

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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the following week!

That next Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful.
But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this?
How much does he send you?

"The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed, "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

“He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.
"Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno”



Always a Bulldog
 
Bulldog Wrestler

Bulldog Wrestler

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My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.
 
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