Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Did you hear that NASA is about to launch a new mission to say sorry to aliens for Earth polluting space?

It's called Apollo G.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating...

...it was a house warming gift.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Smartseal]

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.

All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'

 

[Smartseal]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

 

[Smartseal]

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Light travels faster than sound..

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife told me to put BBQ sauce on the grocery list.

So I did.

But now I can't read the grocery list.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?

Recycling.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I took all of my savings, converted it to cash and put it in a boat.

I feel much better now that my money is offshore.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision.

It helps you reflect.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

When I came home from work, my wife said "Ugh, the baby has been crying for hours. Can you take over?"

I said, "sure" and started crying for hours.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My girlfriend asked me to sit down on the couch, and softly said “I think we should talk. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” I thought for a few moments, and finally said “I understand.”

Then I walked to the doorway, and flipped off the lights.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My son told me a girl at his school named IKEA had to change her name to stop being picked on.

I respond, "stop being picked on" is arguably a worse name.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]