Well if this latest holiday break has taught me anything it's that I'm not cut out to be a carer.
We had my mother with us for a few weeks and she has dementia and while it is a absolute **** of a disease, I cannot come to terms with the shambling, stuttering, perpetually scared creature it has turned my mother into. All my life she was a pillar of strength and independence and fearlessness when it came to her family, but now, she can't go two days without soiling herself.
Is it bad I'm looking up the assisted dying laws in NSW? I can't stand thinking of her in this state.
I knew she had it, but it'd been a while since we saw her last, COVID restrictions and all, the memory and functional deterioration is far worse than I remember. I want to talk to my wife about how I'm feeling, but how do you tell someone you love you're thinking someone you love would be better off dead? I know she sees it, but still.
Fark this decade in it's hairy goat arse! If I wasn't retiring soon, I'd do a Dysney and wake me in 2030.
Had exactly the same experience with my mother to a tee.
It's a very cruel ailment and to see your parent crumble from that rock you hold in your heart, is heartbreaking. But they really are still in your heart. Haven't left in that sense.
It's mind numbingly emotional and sad as you first get used to this new reality but you do get the time to transition into the acceptance that this is the new reality for your Mum.
Then you phase out of the depression into the phase that now it's your turn to care for her. The tables will have turned and your concerns will be for her health and happiness and to make her as comfortable as possible in her little world.
When you can provide that, I'm sure it will help you come to terms with the loss of the physicality of that person who raised you.
It took me some time to understand what was happening to my Mum. She was acting odd. Did weird stuff. Couldn't do simple routine tasks at times. I would get frustrated and even impatient but I had never had any experience of understanding dementia.
I didn't even consider for a moment that was the reason why. I found out she had it for a while and had been hiding it. They can do that by just pausing when you ask a question....you find yourself answering it for them. There's lots of other little tricks. "Oh yes that's right" when you remind them of something in conversation.
I went to see her doctor and he told me "your mother has had dementia for a few years now" I was gobsmacked that I had so stupidly dismissed all the signs he described. My brother was even living with her and didn't pick it up sufficiently.
I found the guilt terrible, especially when/if the time comes to move to aging in care, but I tried to make peace with myself by getting her the best care possible, outings, visits most days even if for short pop ins and as she went further down, I visited every day and cared myself for her until eventually she required 2 person professional help.
That lady you love is still there and there will be many loving surprises and revelations to come on this new phase of your life together as you comfort her. You can still have a very meaningful time together but very different from what you've known in the past.
All the best.