Delicate situation has developed on the home front I could use some help with.
Neighbours have accused our 9yo daughter of being "inappropriate". They come to the table as 'foster parents' with a 12yo boy, 7yo girl and others I'm not sure of (another elder girl perhaps). The two girls play together occasionally as there's a lack of similar aged kids nearby. Both houses are open to each other. Rules exist in both. Respect for others things / Good manners /Do what you're told, etc.
We got a knock on the door on Saturday, the wife took it because I was wrangling three kids near dinner. From what I can gather, two chief accusations have been made ... (a) our daughter asked their boy to be her boyfriend, and this is a tipping point because not only is he "not even thinking about those things", it comes on the back of (b) allegations that our daughter was discussing the finer point of oral sex with the young 7yo girl (the phrase "do you know girls suck boys dicks ?" was cited as evidence) and also suggested they open mouth kiss, as reported to the Mum by the 7yo.
Naturally, we were floored.
Lucky for them, they have sympathetic neighbours who are highly concerned by these developments too.
That same night, we put our other two kids to bed, and kept our eldest up to 'have a chat about life'. She's begun showing signs of puberty, she's entering Year 4 this year and it's about now that boys are becoming a greater issue to contend with for various reasons. I'd have preferred to wait until Year 5 or 10yo, but circumstances dictated it had to happen 'now'.
We spoke for 45mins. I had her confidence, treated her like she was mature and asked all of the hard questions in round about ways to sniff out any clues ... "What do you know about sex?", "Do kids at school talk about these things ?", "Have you even seen on TV or heard about X,Y,Z ?", "Has anyone ever told you X,Y,Z?", "Do you have any questions about X,Y,Z?".
In short, she denies it all : We got admissions that touching occurred during a game of doctors once, but only after the 7yo asked her to. We got admissions that the phrase "do you know girls suck boys dicks?" originated in the playground at school by a 3rd party in my daughters year at school who is known to both of our families, and this is the only time our girl has ever heard such a thing. She denies repeating it to the 7yo. (We suspect the 7yo may have been within earshot of the playground conversations among the 9yo's, but at this stage we haven't disclosed that info)
Furthermore, we know better than to blindly believe a 9yo just because she's our own flesh and blood, and the nature of allegations dictate we must treat this seriously. So we initiated several uncomfortable conversations with relatives and other friends parents. "Have you ever had cause for concern ?", "Have you ever had to intervene ?", "Have you witnessed anything inappropriate that made you uncomfortable ?" ..... NOTHING !
The wife went to them the next day to let them know we're treating what's going on with the seriousness it deserves, only to be met with another barrage of irritation.
So the million dollar questions is : What do we do ?
- Separate the kids seems the logical beginning. I don't want any excuse for them to maintain or add to their accusations. It removes our daughter from the equation and should further events developed under their roof they can't simply point a finger at us as the source. That decision is made.
- Do I approach them again with what we found ? .... My wife thinks I need to be "the voice" for our family, but I'm not comfortable approaching them again until we have all calmed down and our heads are screwed on. I'm expecting them to be dismissive and agitated. It's far too simple to just point the finger of blame the the house over there and say "if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have to deal with this", so I don't see any benefit in simply having my voice heard too.
My view is this : On one hand, they are over exaggerating otherwise 'age-appropriate' play (ie: our girl asking for a boyfriend) and on the other they are being hood-winked by the inconsistent memory of a 7yo (the touching stuff). This has the potential to drag out for years if we don't deal with this correctly. Our detailed enquiries haven't supported their claims. My wife remains upset that "they are over there thinking bad things about us". While I couldn't care less about that, I do agree I am the voice of my daughter and her innocence should be heard.
Any advice on the topic is more than welcome.
Thanks for reading.