WOW.
So many quality posts it'd take me 2 days to get back to you all (resulting in a 25,000 post multi-quote reply), so rather than go to that trouble I'm just gonna pour open the container and see what spills out ... I, like a lot of you, have had my share of hard-knocks and ongoing stresses.
- Born full-term to a Mum with cerebral palsy (moderate/progessive physical afflications, but completely alert mentally/verbally).
- Lost a 6mth old brother aged 6.
- Mum lost twins girls in utero aged 7.
- 3rd time lucky, healthy brother born aged 8.
Everything was going swimmingly. Lived in Wiley Park, moved to C/town aged 8. Good in school. Bright kid. Liked cricket & footy. Childhood was happy despite the drama behind the scenes. Got teased about my Mum on occasion, but nothing I couldn't fight my way out of. Fast forward to about 12yo ...
- Lost 1st grandparent aged 12.
- High school years survived with a large diet of denial, flagrant individualism and retreating into music, girls and sport.
- Lost all grandparents by 18.
Again, high school was good for the most part. Pimples, algebra and teenage infidelity. The usual. Had lots of fun times with lots of ladies. Had a crew of mates. Had a few muso mates. I was easily identifiable socially, and without being the ringleader, was never far away from the centre of attention, often by default. Not long after ...
- Got diagnosed with Crohn's Disease aged 18, just 6months after HSC.
- Suffered ongoing symptoms, weight loss, massive pain episodes for 2months before being diagnosed with a secondary "lifelong" condition that is slowly eating away at my bile ducts, and can only be cured by a liver transplant.
(Called "Primary Sclerosiong Cholangitis" : See link here -> http://www.patient.co.uk/health/primary-sclerosing-cholangitis-leaflet)
It's important to note that while reads as a shopping list of constant dramas, along the way the has been lots to cheer about, and by nature I'm generally a positive, uplifting presence or try to be surrounded by it. I'm smart enough to talk my way out of fights that my smarts (or lack of) sometimes get me into. I've got charm, I respect my elders and GF's parents and can migrate from social circle to social circle with ease. I've entered the adult world as a bright guy with loads of potential and plenty of aspirations.
Looking back ... it's at this point, about 19-20yo where I was starting to getting depressed.
Ill-health, adjusting to dietary changes, interrupted work ambitions and to a large degree inescapable depression at home
(remember those grandparents who all died quick ? ... my parents struggled, as would anyone) ... all began to mount. It became difficult to separate them as individual challenges anymore. I started to question "will I ever live a normal life ?", and the answer I had staring me in the face was dressed like "Nope, because you'll need a liver transplant within 10-15 years.". So I just "got on with things", as you do. Sure my 'plate' was pretty big, but I figured "it's not like I have cancer, and I can still walk and all" ....
Two things occurred after that ...
- Aged 23, I had a savage break-up with a girl I'd spent 3 years with. What started as perfection ended in growing mistrust and finally a nasty incident I'd rather not revisit
(long story short, she embarrassed me publicly in front of a table full of friends and I threw a drink in her face ... I'm not proud of it, it'd been brewing for ages. It is what it is. I walked away, cut my losses, licked my wounds and never looked back). So I was left thinking "you can be the perfect guy and it all goes to sh*t even if you do everything perfect". I had to re-think everything I did when it came to why I chase women, and why I do it, and whether it was worth it all.
Single life was going OK. I'd started dating. Work was going well. Then, out of the clear blue sky ...
- Aged 24, at 9.20pm on August 20, 2000 ... after a relative minor disagreement between my parents, my father killed himself.
Just ... like ... THAT.
GONE !
He was there 20mins ago ...
What the f*ck ?!?!?
(..... I know ....It's heavy sh*t .... Have a pause to soak it in.)
So ... the ugly truth is Mum found him, screamed in a way that'll haunt me forever, then I ran downstairs and found him. We cut him down, tried to revive him knowing it'd only felt a few minutes or so I was separating them two from their nonsense little tiff, I called the ambos AND tried to revive him at same time as keeping my Mum focused, we waited what seemed like forever, they arrived and took over but .... nothing ... he was gone.
I knew the second the ambos said "I'm sorry mate", that the entire trajectory of my life had changed forever, and nothing would ever be the same again. At 24yo, I had to quit my career to care for my disabled mum, while my 17yo brother tried to compose himself for the upcoming HSC, and somehow try to navigate us all through a recovery. AND THAT ... was almost 14 years ago.
By now, I knew mental health was going to be a large focus of my future life management. My day to day health dictated the clock is ticking and I have to micro-manage my health, and a large part of that for me involved minimising stress. But I had f*cking Buckleys of ever achieving that outcome with the life plate that'd had been served up to me over the years. The recipe was there for to have a spectacular meltdown. I wasn't sure how much "good-health" was left in my liver.
By the time I was 26, I was back into my career and I'd started a relationship with a good friend of many years, and together we decided to start a family. Despite multiple day-surgeries, multiple poorly-thought-out counselling attempts and everything else life wanted to chuck at me ... I was confident enough in my health to have child knowing if anything drastic happened to me, they'd be well looked after), and I fell back into my previous career with rapid success. 10 short weeks before my eldest was born, I got fired unfairly which led to Industrial Relations, etc ... and it wasn't until THEN ... I FINALLY got help for a proper f*cking therapist.
It became pretty f*cking apparent to the point of being undeniable ... I WAS DEPRESSED.
AND ... I'd become anxious about the future.
As listed above, there are truckloads of reasons why it had been brewing for years.
Therapy for ME : Therapy and medication have been fantastic tools to have in my arsenal. I don't use them all the time but in times of high stress, I'm smart enough these days and not scared to use them. I take Zoloft for extended periods at a time, and occasionally have a little time off when I'm feeling happy and content.
Recovery for ME : Will never end. I had to reconcile that ages ago. I am mentally ill. My circumstances dictate that if left unchecked, I get depressed and anxious on an industrial scale. I gotta manage that sh*t, if I ever wanna get control of it. For me, there is no end-date. It's going to be a lifelong challenge.
The future : Right now, I'm married to the best Mother for my children I could have ever prayed for. Speaking of which, I got three kids aged 8 and under, which have proven to be exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I work casually to a roster that I can determine, and supplement my income with DSP (only been on it last 2 years, could've been on it years ago but didn't). The bills are paid, there's a roof overhead, I can walk, I got arms, I can stand and breathe on my own. I'm still beating the odds with my own health (12 surgeries in 18 years, with no sign of needing a transplant yet), I'm in a much better place mentally these days.
Final advice : I gotta wind this up sometime don't I ...
(1)I'm a big believer in simple rules and universal truths ...
"Asking life to treat you kindly because you're a nice guy, is a but like asking a bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian." ..... that kind of thing. Light-bulb moments can be powerful momentum shifters.
(2) When all else fails, music will save you everytime.
(3) March to the beat of your own drum ... and/or ... Be a rainbow in a sea of f*cking grey !
(4) Laugh ... even if it's to laugh at how f*ckin ridiculous it's all become. Just laugh, and end it on your own terms, before you suck up the energy to move on.
(5) At the core, you have to summon a desire to "not be unhappy" anymore. You wont achieve a f*cking thing if you don't have it, or if you half-arse it.
This post has taken me nearly 3 hours.
I'm overwhelmed with the catharsis.
Just know, that behind this exterior of "CK", is a mild-mannered-Damo who isn't too much different from you, and right now he thinks the world of you for reading and participating in this thread.
Explains a lot eh ?
:becky: :thumb: