The "R U OK ?" Thread

[Bulldog_4_Life]

Fucking struggling with a break up. Like really fucking struggling.

Nothing seems to be going right in my life. Career seems to be stagnant. Friends are limited. Thought I could always come back to my girl but now I feel I have nothing.

Going through the exact same thing mate. My girlfriend of a few years was like my best friend until out of no where a few weeks ago I get a call and she wanted to meet up, she told me that she had lost herself and needed to end it even though she thought I was the best thing in world and that she would regret doing this, anyway two days pass and we talk again and this time she says that’s she wasn’t coping without me and wanted to give it another shot, so life went back to normal, she moves jobs due to workplace bullying and then I started to see a change in her again and then last Tuesday we talked and she said that she just can’t handle it, that she can’t be in a relationship right now because she needs to find herself and build her own foundations in life without a boyfriend. Again she said that she knew she would regret this because I treated her like an absolute queen. She gave me a rosary that was very close to her (passed down from her grandmother that had passed away) as a promise that once she “found herself” that she would find me and if I was still available then that she would fight to regain my trust and love.

This girl meant everything to me, she was there in my hardest times like when I had a cancer scare last year and I was always helping her with her depression and so we were super strong. We had started to talk our future and that we had the same plans of marriage and children down the track.

I’ve tried to throw myself into gym and work, I’m loving the gym and can’t wait to go everyday now but work and study are a different problem, she used to support me so much and helped me a lot throughout study and any work issues. We are still great friends and obviously it’s very raw as it only happened 4 days ago but man I can’t lose her, she is the right one, girl of my dreams.

I’m obviously worried of her moving on with someone else, she gets a lot of attention being a part time model. Just thinking of it gives me anxiety to be honest.

I guess the thing that hurts the most is not having my partner there doing the little things, the good morning messages, picking the phone up when I’m super stressed and getting her support, the fact that we would talk for 3+ hours everyday even if we didn’t see each other in person. So even with the gym and work I have a lot of spare time on my hands now.

 

[Wolfmother]

Fucking struggling with a break up. Like really fucking struggling.

Nothing seems to be going right in my life. Career seems to be stagnant. Friends are limited. Thought I could always come back to my girl but now I feel I have nothing.

The best break up advice I ever got came directly from the horses mouth.
When my fiancee broke up with me after 5 years I was devastated, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I cried constantly . I was pathetic, I think I called him a 100 times and he hung up 99 times. He finally answered and I convinced him to see me because I guess he pitied me. It was disgusting and desperate but it worked anyhow we met up I remember getting in his car and driving somewhere , I had puffy eyes from crying and he looked like he didn't have a care in the world.. I said how the fuck did you get over me so quickly ?he goes it was easy I just replay all the shit things you did to me over and over again in my head and if a good memory comes up I quickly replace it with a shit memory.." You know what ? It actually works!. Haven't seen or spoken to him since, the dickhead lol . 2 weeks later I met my husband..

 

[Bulldog_4_Life]

The best break up advice I ever got came directly from the horses mouth.
When my fiancee broke up with me after 5 years I was devastated, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I cried constantly . I was pathetic I think I called him a 100 times and he hung up 99 times. He finally answered and I convinced him to see me because I guess he pitied me. It was disgusting and desperate but it worked anyhow we met up I remember getting in his car and driving somewhere , I had puffy eyes from crying and he looked like he didn't have a care in the world.. I said how the fuck did you get over me so quickly ?he goes it was easy I just replay all the shit things you did to me over and over again in my head and if a good memory comes up I quickly replace it with a shit memory.." You know what ? It actually works!. Haven't seen or spoken to him since, the dickhead lol . 2 weeks later I met my husband..

Can I ask, at the time did it feel like you guys would work out or where there a lot of problems throughout. Was he meant to be the one?

 

[Wolfmother]

Can I ask, at the time did it feel like you guys would work out or where there a lot of problems throughout. Was he meant to be the one?

we had a rocky relationship throughout and broke up several times then we'd get back together . We loved each others company but he was super headstrong and so we'd clash a lot.

We were meant to get married but as time went on it became apparent that our differences were going to become a major issue. In the end I'm glad he called it quits.

I don't feel comfortable giving you advice because your relationship sounds quite respectful of each other which makes it hard for you to find bad things about her to focus on..

Tbh it doesn't sound like its the end for you guys , maybe she really just needs timeout.

 

[Bulldog_4_Life]

we had a rocky relationship throughout and broke up several times then we'd get back together . We loved each others company but he was super headstrong and so we'd clash a lot.

We were meant to get married but as time went on it became apparent that our differences were going to become a major issue. In the end I'm glad he called it quits.

I don't feel comfortable giving you advice because your relationship sounds quite respectful of each other which makes it hard for you to find bad things about her to focus on..

Tbh it doesn't sound like its the end for you guys , maybe she really just needs timeout.

Yeah that’s something I do know, the fact that my relationship with her will take a few more twists and turns.

Glad that you were able to find your husband after though, it probably helped that it was too long after as well.

 

[Wolfmother]

Yeah that’s something I do know, the fact that my relationship with her will take a few more twists and turns.

Glad that you were able to find your husband after though, it probably helped that it was too long after as well.

I think most relationships hit hard times. Did you guys live together?

 

[Bulldog_4_Life]

I think most relationships hit hard times. Did you guys live together?

Well I have my own place and she would stay over some nights.

It’s really confusing, like all I know is that she wants to “find herself”, I’ve asked people close to her and no one knows but a few of her girlfriends say it’s probably the fact that shes not “in-love with me” but “loves me as a person”. But I really don’t know. It was out of nowhere

 

[Wolfmother]

Well I have my own place and she would stay over some nights.

It’s really confusing, like all I know is that she wants to “find herself”, I’ve asked people close to her and no one knows but a few of her girlfriends say it’s probably the fact that shes not “in-love with me” but “loves me as a person”. But I really don’t know. It was out of nowhere

That's not good to hear but her friends are just speculating . Theres no way someone could sustain a romantic relationship with someone else if there wasn't a love of lust factor involved.

Maybe shes not be ready for a permanent type of relationship yet. Rereading your post she seems torn by how intense it was.

I'd give her a little time

 

[south of heaven]

Fucking struggling with a break up. Like really fucking struggling.

Nothing seems to be going right in my life. Career seems to be stagnant. Friends are limited. Thought I could always come back to my girl but now I feel I have nothing.

Break ups are always shit that **** of a feeling in your guts sleepless nights anger frustration head going a million miles and hour .
Give yourself time and shit sorts itself out in the meantime do something for yourself step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself.

 

[Mr Invisible]

@Bulldog_4_Life sounds like your partner/ex partner just has trouble dealing with her depression and if she doesn't get that under control, it'll be a constant circle of life. Heck I thought I had mine wrangled for 10 years before it got triggered again and has (at the moment) lead to some personal setbacks. In addition to that smashed my motivation and self confidence for 6. Alas.

That said in my case, my (now wife) and I have been together 18 years now and married for 6. We know each other really well and I met her when I was in a dark place and just starting to get help for all my issues. If it wasn't for her who knows where I would be.

But I honestly believe that there is someone out there for everyone, it's finding that person that is the challenge.

....

For getting over the blues there are a few things that really help me out:
1. Music. Normally lyrically strong tracks. It helps and calms me to know I'm not alone and others have the same struggles.
2. Nature. Going for a bushwalk, or in Sydney up to the Blue Mountains, or to a lookout, or one of the many hidden gems in Sydney, sometimes I take my camera, other times just me. But it's such a calming influence being at one with nature.
3. Gardening. I find it's a great distraction and de-stress. Takes my mind off things because it's a "break" away from everything. Plus it's impossible to get pissed off over and gives you something to focus on (growing plants).

But everyone is a little different in that way.

My comments to BCMF also apply to you (re GPs and mental health plans if you feel you are struggling).

There's absolutely no shame in saying "I need help", or "I'm not coping".

When I cracked recently my wife walked in on me in tears just before I lost my last job (when they were harassing and bullying me trying to sack/force a resignation).

12 months on I'm still between jobs, and money is bloody tight, but I just have to get back on the bike.. I don't have a choice in the matter.

 

[Bulldog_4_Life]

@Bulldog_4_Life sounds like your partner/ex partner just has trouble dealing with her depression and if she doesn't get that under control, it'll be a constant circle of life. Heck I thought I had mine wrangled for 10 years before it got triggered again and has (at the moment) lead to some personal setbacks. In addition to that smashed my motivation and self confidence for 6. Alas.

That said in my case, my (now wife) and I have been together 18 years now and married for 6. We know each other really well and I met her when I was in a dark place and just starting to get help for all my issues. If it wasn't for her who knows where I would be.

But I honestly believe that there is someone out there for everyone, it's finding that person that is the challenge.

....

For getting over the blues there are a few things that really help me out:
1. Music. Normally lyrically strong tracks. It helps and calms me to know I'm not alone and others have the same struggles.
2. Nature. Going for a bushwalk, or in Sydney up to the Blue Mountains, or to a lookout, or one of the many hidden gems in Sydney, sometimes I take my camera, other times just me. But it's such a calming influence being at one with nature.
3. Gardening. I find it's a great distraction and de-stress. Takes my mind off things because it's a "break" away from everything. Plus it's impossible to get pissed off over and gives you something to focus on (growing plants).

But everyone is a little different in that way.

My comments to BCMF also apply to you (re GPs and mental health plans if you feel you are struggling).

There's absolutely no shame in saying "I need help", or "I'm not coping".

When I cracked recently my wife walked in on me in tears just before I lost my last job (when they were harassing and bullying me trying to sack/force a resignation).

12 months on I'm still between jobs, and money is bloody tight, but I just have to get back on the bike.. I don't have a choice in the matter.

I thought at the start it had something to do with her depression and it could be but I don't know what I can do. The people she works with are very toxic people, everyone that knows her knows that its a bad environment for her to be in except herself. Her depression used to be really bad when we first met but I worked with her tirelessly and we took many different avenues until she was able to get it under control and really flourish.

I guess im really missing her badly, and I really can't imagine her not being there with me.

 

[Boxer]

Fucking struggling with a break up. Like really fucking struggling.

Nothing seems to be going right in my life. Career seems to be stagnant. Friends are limited. Thought I could always come back to my girl but now I feel I have nothing.

Chin up mate don’t let this bring you down, life is short find something you like or wanted to do or own or even get away and travel if you can.
Life’s to precious and you only get one shot at it.

 

[Boxer]

Going through the exact same thing mate. My girlfriend of a few years was like my best friend until out of no where a few weeks ago I get a call and she wanted to meet up, she told me that she had lost herself and needed to end it even though she thought I was the best thing in world and that she would regret doing this, anyway two days pass and we talk again and this time she says that’s she wasn’t coping without me and wanted to give it another shot, so life went back to normal, she moves jobs due to workplace bullying and then I started to see a change in her again and then last Tuesday we talked and she said that she just can’t handle it, that she can’t be in a relationship right now because she needs to find herself and build her own foundations in life without a boyfriend. Again she said that she knew she would regret this because I treated her like an absolute queen. She gave me a rosary that was very close to her (passed down from her grandmother that had passed away) as a promise that once she “found herself” that she would find me and if I was still available then that she would fight to regain my trust and love.

This girl meant everything to me, she was there in my hardest times like when I had a cancer scare last year and I was always helping her with her depression and so we were super strong. We had started to talk our future and that we had the same plans of marriage and children down the track.

I’ve tried to throw myself into gym and work, I’m loving the gym and can’t wait to go everyday now but work and study are a different problem, she used to support me so much and helped me a lot throughout study and any work issues. We are still great friends and obviously it’s very raw as it only happened 4 days ago but man I can’t lose her, she is the right one, girl of my dreams.

I’m obviously worried of her moving on with someone else, she gets a lot of attention being a part time model. Just thinking of it gives me anxiety to be honest.

I guess the thing that hurts the most is not having my partner there doing the little things, the good morning messages, picking the phone up when I’m super stressed and getting her support, the fact that we would talk for 3+ hours everyday even if we didn’t see each other in person. So even with the gym and work I have a lot of spare time on my hands now.

Sorry to hear bro all I can say is that if she really loves you she will come back and if she doesn’t than your better off without her.
People will come and go in your life but if someone really cares about you they will stick by you.

 

[Boxer]

The best break up advice I ever got came directly from the horses mouth.
When my fiancee broke up with me after 5 years I was devastated, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I cried constantly . I was pathetic, I think I called him a 100 times and he hung up 99 times. He finally answered and I convinced him to see me because I guess he pitied me. It was disgusting and desperate but it worked anyhow we met up I remember getting in his car and driving somewhere , I had puffy eyes from crying and he looked like he didn't have a care in the world.. I said how the fuck did you get over me so quickly ?he goes it was easy I just replay all the shit things you did to me over and over again in my head and if a good memory comes up I quickly replace it with a shit memory.." You know what ? It actually works!. Haven't seen or spoken to him since, the dickhead lol . 2 weeks later I met my husband..

Sorry to sound like a dick but was your husband like a rebound?
2 weeks is pretty quick to meet someone.

 

[Mr Invisible]

I thought at the start it had something to do with her depression and it could be but I don't know what I can do. The people she works with are very toxic people, everyone that knows her knows that its a bad environment for her to be in except herself. Her depression used to be really bad when we first met but I worked with her tirelessly and we took many different avenues until she was able to get it under control and really flourish.

I guess im really missing her badly, and I really can't imagine her not being there with me.

Workplace harassment, bullying and intimidation are shithouse mate. I copped it from the female director of the company, and being a small business there was zero HR.

The problem is how it impacts someone with depression is going to be different to most (normal) people who would tell them to "get fucked".

It dents your confidence, creates lots of self doubt, and kills your motivation. Motivation and confidence that won't just apply to work, but to every facet of life (including the relationship you two share).

This is where I think the whole "change of heart" is coming from. She's had her confidence battered around like a boxer after 9 rounds. She'll feel deflated, beaten, depressed. Possibly even anxious.

She may even be trying to protect the relationship by ending it because she feels down on confidence and motivation to put 100% into it. If that makes sense.

...

I guess all you can do is give her space, and support. Be there for her and fingers crossed she'll change her mind, get some confidence back, and together you can help each other.

 

[Wolfmother]

Sorry to sound like a dick but was your husband like a rebound?
2 weeks is pretty quick to meet someone.

No you're not being a dick, I questioned myself about this too.
I don't think it was a rebound thing sbecause at the end of the day it was really me who didn't want to marry the other guy, he'd ask me to hurry up and pick a date for the wedding but I'd make up excuses all the time.

After that ended I met my hubby but I just wanted friendship ,which lasted 3 months.

5 months into our relationship he asked me to marry him, I wanted to instantly say yes but I considered the rebound thing and how little we knew about each other so I said I'll let you off because it might be impulsive , I didn't say yes or no.
He didn't think he was being impulsive so the next day he took me out to the blue mountains with a picnic lunch and proposed formally.
I still don't know if it was a rebound thing but I can tell you I was smitten by him. He was my dream guy. I said yes instantly and we got married 10 months later.

 

[Boxer]

No you're not being a dick, I questioned myself about this too.
I don't think it was a rebound thing sbecause at the end of the day it was really me who didn't want to marry the other guy, he'd ask me to hurry up and pick a date for the wedding but I'd make up excuses all the time.

After that ended I met my hubby but I just wanted friendship ,which lasted 3 months.

5 months into our relationship he asked me to marry him, I wanted to instantly say yes but I considered the rebound thing and how little we knew about each other so I said I'll let you off because it might be impulsive , I didn't say yes or no.
He didn't think he was being impulsive so the next day he took me out to the blue mountains with a picnic lunch and proposed formally.
I still don't know if it was a rebound thing but I can tell you I was smitten by him. He was my dream guy. I said yes instantly and we got married 10 months later.

As long as you’re happy and have no regrets that’s all that matters.
Plus your first boyfriend sounded like a dick lol.

 

[Wolfmother]

As long as you’re happy and have no regrets that’s all that matters.
Plus your first boyfriend sounded like a dick lol.

Thanks .. Well sometimes I do have regrets lol

but you're right about the other guy yeah he was a bit bossy he was treated like an ' Assyrian king' at home, 6 sisters and mum all doted on him. Gift of the gab too so yeah he had all the makings .

 

[Boxer]

Thanks .. Well sometimes I do have regrets lol

but you're right about the other guy yeah he was a bit bossy he was treated like an ' Assyrian king' at home, 6 sisters and mum all doted on him. Gift of the gab too so yeah he had all the makings .

Lol good call!!!!

 

[MatstaDogg]

This might be a long post so sorry in advance to anyone, but it is about something in my life.

To the guys going through break ups, I feel for ya. I may have told this before but I went through a really bad break up with my ex several years ago.
We had been together 7 yrs, had 2 kids together (who at the time were only a toddler and a baby) and for the most part we had a great relationship and were about to get married.
We were eachother's rock and were definitely soulmates.

Now, I at the time didn't realise or understand I was actually suffering from depression as I also think now my partner was too due to postnatal depression. In the build up to our break up, which I didn't see coming as I said we had a pretty good relationship.
I had just lost my job, my partner was having medical issues after our 2nd child was born and my mother and brother were going through cancer battles. There were a few other little things going on so there was a lot on our plates. During this time, our relationship was still good, or so I though but we did hit our rough patch we all those things going on. There was a lot of stress being had by us both.

Anyhow, our of the blue I went to use the computer and my partner had left her Facebook open and it was on her messages. There I seen that she had messages from another guy and without going into detail, let's say they had been "seeing" eachother and talking about being together.

I was absolutely shocked, upset, sick to my stomach. I didn't say anything straight away as I was trying to comprehend what was happening. A few days later my partner went to go shopping, left her Facebook open again and I seen more messages, this time they were talking about having babies and getting married.
Again, I felt absolutely terrible and couldn't believe that she was trying to get pregnant with another guy while we were still together and about to get married in 6 months time.

Anyway, it all came out in the end. She denied sleeping with him but she said she wanted to be with him. I wanted to try salvage our relationship and try working things out as we had only just started our family together having 2 little kids, one being a baby still. She didn't, so that was it. We were done. 7yrs down the drain.

Now, I was completely wrecked. I was just lost 24/7 walking around like a zombie. Unable to focus on anything, randomly just breaking down and crying. Going through fits of rage. My head was fucked and I constantly was just hurting non stop.
I had lost the love of my life and my children. I felt like I had nothing left, all was gone along with hope. I was at the bottom and I reached that dark place.

I then ended up getting help, getting the right medication and seeing a great councilor who helped me to get my life back on track. It wasn't easy and it took sometime to remotely get back some kind of life. It was a struggle for me for sometime but I've gotten there.

To this day I still love my ex, not so much as in love with her but I still have love for her and what we shared in our time together and that she is the mother of my kids. I do still miss her on occasions, the companionship and all that but at the same time I have a new life, a good job, I got my confidence back and I am happy within myself and my life.

The things that helped me through:
Talking - Seeing the councilor, talking to anyone who would listen. Talking about how you feel instead of suppressing it. Release it so it doesn't build up and fog your mind.

Music - listening to music helped me to unwind. The type of music I was listening to lyrical wise I related to, which in its own way helped me to know that they knew how I felt or my feelings at the time.

Hobbies - having a hobby or hobbies. find something that you like to do, something to focus your mind and energy on. Something that makes you happy. I had several hobbies of different verities that I did. Some of these were tasks and upon completing them made you feel like you achieved something, which helped make you feel good.

Exercise - whether it was going to the gym, going for a run or playing a sport getting physical helped. Having a boxing bag helped me to get my aggression out and I was always feeling good afterwards.

Friends - having a great group of friends goes a long way. Whether for company and hanging out doing things together or to just talk to, having friends to help push you along when needed. I was lucky enough to have a good core group there for me.

Cutting out Negativity - whether that's being around people who are, or just things in general that brings negativity. There were a couple of places I used to go to but most people there were so negative, so I stopped going and removing that atmosphere helped.

In life, things happen for a reason. Sometimes we don't see it or understand it at the time. Sometimes we never truly know why. I look back now, on the break up, having depression, going through hell, hitting rock bottom, other negative things involved in my break down.
A positive that I took from all this is, it let me rebuild myself from the ground up. I am a lot stronger, wiser, and I have a different perspective on things now. I am able to process and deal with things better now. I have more inner strength to deal with hard times when they arise at times. Who I am as a person, I'm still the same old me but a better version of it.

To finish up, this is one of my favorite motivation quotes/speach about life.