Really bad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo…

…I had to put my foot down.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

"I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.'

I said, "Not that as well.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

 

[DinkumDog]

A couple in their 90’s arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter was there to greet them and after the standard procedures they were granted entry.

As St. Peter walked them to their new home, he pointed out various activities that happen every day in heaven to let them know there was no shortage of things to do to entertain themselves.

They arrived at the house - a slick house with all the trimmings. The husband said: ‘It looks great but I can’t possibly afford this’. St. Peter says: ‘Sorry if there’s any confusion, but it’s free - no cost to you - you earned it on earth with your hard work, good behaviour, giving to those less fortunate than yourself etc’.

‘Wow’ says the husband - ‘and where would I play golf?’. ‘Follow me’ says St. Peter. They walk and arrive at the finest course the husband has ever seen. ‘Stunning, but no way I could afford the green fees here’. ‘No, you’re misunderstanding’ says St. Peter. ‘It’s free, you earned it on earth. Now, let’s grab some lunch before we finish your first day tour’.

They go into the golf course clubhouse to see the most amazing buffet ever. Before they sit down the husband says ‘And, how much is lunch here?’. St. Peter shakes his head, smiles and says: ‘You’re really not getting it, are you? It’s free, there’s no cost to you for anything here. Enjoy it all - you’ve earned it!’

The husband looks at his wife and says:
‘You and your fucking bran muffins, I could’ve been here ten years ago!’ .

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I saw my first porn film last week.

I couldn’t believe how young I looked.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Six topless women sounds nice.

Dozen tit.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Next Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I’m organising a charity ball next week for people who struggle to reach orgasm...

Just let me know if you can’t come.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I think my phone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

David Hasselhoff has started referring to himself as Hoff.

It’s less of a hassle.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two - one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

 

[Shire Dog]

A couple in their 90’s arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter was there to greet them and after the standard procedures they were granted entry.

As St. Peter walked them to their new home, he pointed out various activities that happen every day in heaven to let them know there was no shortage of things to do to entertain themselves.

They arrived at the house - a slick house with all the trimmings. The husband said: ‘It looks great but I can’t possibly afford this’. St. Peter says: ‘Sorry if there’s any confusion, but it’s free - no cost to you - you earned it on earth with your hard work, good behaviour, giving to those less fortunate than yourself etc’.

‘Wow’ says the husband - ‘and where would I play golf?’. ‘Follow me’ says St. Peter. They walk and arrive at the finest course the husband has ever seen. ‘Stunning, but no way I could afford the green fees here’. ‘No, you’re misunderstanding’ says St. Peter. ‘It’s free, you earned it on earth. Now, let’s grab some lunch before we finish your first day tour’.

They go into the golf course clubhouse to see the most amazing buffet ever. Before they sit down the husband says ‘And, how much is lunch here?’. St. Peter shakes his head, smiles and says: ‘You’re really not getting it, are you? It’s free, there’s no cost to you for anything here. Enjoy it all - you’ve earned it!’

The husband looks at his wife and says:
‘You and your fucking bran muffins, I could’ve been here ten years ago!’ .

I might cancel my gym membership today.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry Can.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Mr Bigger and Mrs Bigger have a baby. Who’s the biggest in the family?

The baby - because he’s a little Bigger.

 

[Dogmonster]

Dogs resign Barrett and same coaching staff.

 

[ASSASSIN]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Trent
Trent who?
Exactly

 

[Roll the Bones]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Trent
Trent who?
Exactly