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Really bad jokes

JayBee

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Whats an advantage of dating a homeless girl?

When you're done with her, you can drop her off anywhere.

**

What's the latest Irish invention?

  1. A black highlighter
  2. A motor bike with air conditioning
  3. helicopter with an ejection seat
  4. submarine with a screen door
  5. submarine with windscreen wipers
 

Wahesh

The Forefather of The Kennel
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
 

ASSASSIN

BABA YAGA
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How do you stop an Italian from talking?

Tie up his hands.
 

Rodzilla

Terry Lamb 1996
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Whats an advantage of dating a homeless girl?

When you're done with her, you can drop her off anywhere.

**

What's the latest Irish invention?

  1. A black highlighter
  2. A motor bike with air conditioning
  3. helicopter with an ejection seat
  4. submarine with a screen door
  5. submarine with windscreen wipers
a smoke detector with a snooze button
 

Wahesh

The Forefather of The Kennel
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A gay man walks into the doctors waiting room with a sore throat. The doctor calls the next patient in who was a woman. The gay man sees the doctor and is stunned and this doctor is handsome and the gay man immediately falls in love. Bugger the sore throat. The gay man leave and comes back 30 minutes later walking strangely.

The doctor comes out and calls "next" and the gay man gets up and walks into the office.

Doctor: What's wrong?
Gay man: There's something wrong with my anus
Doctor: Drop your pants then let's take a look.
Doctor: ...
Doctor: ...
Doctor: ...
Doctor: I can't feel anything. There's nothing here.
Gay man: Oh pull a little higher up, it's really sore.

So the doctor reaches in a little further but still no luck.

Doctor: There's nothing here, everything appears normal. I can't feel anything.
Gay man: Doctor, there really is something there, just a little further.

So the doctor musters all his strength and really digs deep and finds something that's not meant to be there. The doctor pulls, and pulls, and pulls and a rose comes.

Doctor: What the? It's a rose?
Gay man: Read the card, please please read the card...
 

Wahesh

The Forefather of The Kennel
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In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
 

Wahesh

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I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But don't worry, I'm slowly getting over it.

Why did the coffee go to the police? It got mugged.

It's not a dad bod. It's a father figure.

Was going to go to the new restaurant in space. Heard their food is great, but there is no atmosphere.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

If a short person waves at you, is it a microwave?

I knew a guy who was addicted to drinking brake fluid. He said he could stop anytime.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints!!!!

That cow is amazing. ... She's outstanding in her field.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
 

Wolfmother

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
we used to have a priest that told very similar jokes at church.. I reckon he'd like that one
 

Smartseal

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A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan
He is making land mines that look like prayer mats
Business is really good
His prophets are going through the roof.

My lesbian neighbours recently asked me what I'd like for my Birthday. After waiting excitedly for about a week, they presented me with a gold Rolex.
I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
 

Wahesh

The Forefather of The Kennel
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Quite late on a Saturday afternoon just before closing time, an old man walked into a jewelry store with a young blonde woman. The old man says to the jeweler "Give me the most expensive ring you have in this store!" So the jeweler opens the display drawer with a $5,000 ring, gold with a cubic diamond in the centre. Not impressed, the old man says "Sir, I said to you the most expensive in the store!" So the jeweler then opened up a safe door beneath the counter, and removed a small pouch. Within the pouch was a white gold ring with cubic zirconia, and countless diamonds around the side, valued at $250,000. "What kind of fool do you take me for?" said the old man. So the jeweler said "Ok... wait here, I'll be right back!" And the jeweler went to the vault in a secret room in the workshop area of the store. He took out his most prized piece of jewelry and brought it to the front. Encased in a bulletproof glass display case resting on a royal red cushion was a pure platinum ring, with the largest cubic zirconia in the centre fixed to a 2.38 carat green emerald, diamonds around the edges, and red rubies all the around. This ring was worth $20,000,000, and the blonde woman's eyes lite up like a Christmas tree. "Now that's more like it" said the old man. "Sir before I can sell this to you, I'll need to have a background check run on your finances, then I'll call you on Monday morning and you can come here to pick it up!" - with that, the old man left the store with his trophy girlfriend hand in hand!

On Monday morning, the jeweler rang the old man and was very angry:

Jeweler: Sir, I just ran a background check on your finances. It says that you don't even have $100 to your name and you need to keep working until the day you die just to break even. How on Earth do you expect to buy a $20,000,000 ring off me? You're not getting anything!

Old Man: Fair enough... but can you imagine how good my Saturday night was?
 
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