Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said: “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said: “$200 and it’s yours.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said, "No way."

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me.

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife…

But she figured out I was only after my money.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I ran out of food and I had to steal from next door's herb garden.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly Squats

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What did one Tectonic Plate, say to the other Tectonic Plate?

I'm sorry, that's my Fault.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water.

It’s my special tea.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her: “I think you mean fewer.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I tripped over in France.

Eiffel over.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I swapped my wife's lipstick with super glue.

She's still not talking to me.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What happens when you eat aluminium foil?

You sheet metal.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What word is always spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

“I have a split personality” said Tom, being Frank.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A boy goes to the Olympics and and approaches a man with a long stick, and says to him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German," says the man, "but how did you know my name?"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down!