Lame Joke Monday

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Vargster

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C'mon People, Let's get some lame jokes to get us through today and on to tonight!




One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'

The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'

'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great..'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'

'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'
 

MOVE.80

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Why does a chicken say buck buck ?


Cause it can't say two dollars

lol thats as lame as they get.
 

Vargster

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
 

Vargster

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Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.




It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:


1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.


7) Failed to think rationally, and


8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!
 

Hansta

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
hahahahhha i like this one

7/10
 

Vargster

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A woman, who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that.
Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish until he goes to bed.”

Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: “Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with chamomile tea and nothing happened.”

Doctor: “You see how much it helps when you keep your mouth shut!”
 

Rodzilla

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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Phillip.

Phillip who?

Phillip my bag with candy!

lmao
 

Vargster

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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No… Salty.”

Mom fainted.
 

bLaQDoG..

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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No… Salty.”

Mom fainted.
I know it's wrong - but this one made me LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
 

pillow

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A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a boiling cup of water.

Bartender says "I thought you vampires only drank blood."

Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "It's Tea time ;) "
 

MOVE.80

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A husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 10 years his wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic.

"You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years ?!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly replies, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids...."
 

Rodzilla

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why did the condom go flying across the room?

it was pissed off
 

Vargster

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A white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” he said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweler ‘phoned the old man and said “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”
 

Vargster

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Truck runs over Coon between Bundaberg and Cairns **Warning - Graphic Content!!**

NSFW!






















































































































 

chadiwrx

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An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.


With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.


His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and
exclaimed,


------





------




------

"Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
 

chadiwrx

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Latex Gloves

dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

"No?" She said.

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make Latex Condoms
 

chadiwrx

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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

chadiwrx

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The elderly Italian



The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
 
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