Dad jokes

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo?

It was otter chaos.
 
Do you realize that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59PM, and the clock strikes midnight.

It's same shit, different day.
 
My wife says I can be an idiot sometimes.

Pretty cool of her to give me permission like that.
 
My wife just put on her new dress and then told me to zip it.

I have no idea what I've done wrong. I didn't say anything!
 
The fact that Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
 
When we were kids, our parents NEVER had to force us to go outside and play.

They had to force us to come inside!
 
Marriage is just two people yelling "WHAT?!" from different rooms until one gives up and walks in mad.
 
Brain at 3 AM:

Looks like you're trying to sleep, so let me show you a collection of memories, unfinished problems, and all the things you should've said or done - today or anytime in the past 40 years!
 
Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm.
 
My wife left a note on the fridge saying: "This isn't working. I'm leaving.""

What a lie! I opened the fridge door and it's working fine."
 
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.

So I bought her a candle.
 
I asked the dentist what the cavity procedure would entail.

He said, “Let me fill you in.”
 
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