Dad jokes

Lady Emerald

Lady Emerald

Kennel Enthusiast
Joined
Aug 19, 2014
Messages
2,299
Reaction score
269
Little Johnny and his father were in the car on the way to school. Little Johnny's father had stopped at the lights and had noticed a couple next to him arguing.

The woman was so furious at the man that she grabbed his cock, chopped it off and threw it out the window, which coincidentally, managed to smack and land on the windshield of little Johnny's car.

Little Johnny flinched back and his father quickly put the wipers and the dick flew off the window.
Little johnny looked at his father and asked
"Dad what was that?".
His father, hesitant to respond uttered "uh-uh-uh...it was just a bug"
"A bug!?" Little johnny responded amused by his fathers answer
"Well fuck me that bug had the biggest cock Id ever seen!!"
 
M

Mr Invisible

Banned
Joined
Apr 26, 2008
Messages
0
Reaction score
47
Woke up this morning to the news that Shania Twain is releasing her first new album in 15 years...

That don't impress me much.
 
flamebouyant

flamebouyant

Kennel Legend
Joined
Sep 27, 2016
Messages
10,076
Reaction score
14,908
What do anal sex and spinach have in common??

Chances are if you have had 'em when you were a kid, you will never want 'em again.
 
Bob dog

Bob dog

Hectik defence
Premium Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2005
Messages
19,380
Reaction score
3,601
I couldn't find the fucking thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday
 
M

Mr Invisible

Banned
Joined
Apr 26, 2008
Messages
0
Reaction score
47
This one is best said in person and relies on a strong delivery.

So tonight I said to the wife...
"Love, you work hard enough during the day, put your feet up and I'll look after dinner for once".
Now I never cook dinner so she was quite the skeptic.
"What are you going to cook, you can't cook" she replied in suprise.
"Jerk Chicken" I replied.
"Uhh okay" she acknowledged with a lot of self doubt in her voice.
So off I went into the kitchen grabbed the frozen chicken gave it a good rub down pulled out my dick rubbed it in my hand over the chicken. Next minute missus comes into the kitchen.
"What the fuck are you doing?" she yelled.
"Jerk Chicken" I replied.

@south of heaven @ASSASSIN you'll like this one :D
 
Alan79

Alan79

Kennel Legend
Joined
Mar 10, 2007
Messages
13,374
Reaction score
19,504
The Greek god Thor is horny on mount Olympus and decides to go and take care of matters on earth.

He finds a prostitute and enjoys his time with her. Afterwards he returns home.

The next morning he feels guilty about his weakness and his to see his father Odin.

"Father as a god I'm ashamed to say that last night I paid $100 and sated my lust with a prostitute."

Odin looks thoughtful, frowns deeply and replies "Son, you should know better. Our godly flesh can damage humans badly. You must go and ensure this woman is ok. And in future Thor, be more responsible"

Thor returns to the prostitute. "What do you puckin want" she asks angrily as he approaches.
"I just wanted to tell you I'm Thor and I'm sorry" he replies sheepishly. She erupts "You fink you're Thore and Thorry. My puckin mouff hurth my ath hurth and I can hardly puckin piff. And you're puckin bitchin your thore. I'm thorry I took your hundred puckin dollarth, now puck off."
 
CroydonDog

CroydonDog

Kennel Immortal
Gilded
Joined
Aug 1, 2012
Messages
19,587
Reaction score
16,637
Alan79 said:
The Greek god Thor is horny on mount Olympus and decides to go and take care of matters on earth.

He finds a prostitute and enjoys his time with her. Afterwards he returns home.

The next morning he feels guilty about his weakness and his to see his father Odin.

"Father as a god I'm ashamed to say that last night I paid $100 and sated my lust with a prostitute."

Odin looks thoughtful, frowns deeply and replies "Son, you should know better. Our godly flesh can damage humans badly. You must go and ensure this woman is ok. And in future Thor, be more responsible"

Thor returns to the prostitute. "What do you puckin want" she asks angrily as he approaches.
"I just wanted to tell you I'm Thor and I'm sorry" he replies sheepishly. She erupts "You fink you're Thore and Thorry. My puckin mouff hurth my ath hurth and I can hardly puckin piff. And you're puckin bitchin your thore. I'm thorry I took your hundred puckin dollarth, now puck off."
Click to expand...
You would think Thor wouldn't have to pay for a root...
 
dogluva

dogluva

Kennel Immortal
Joined
Nov 23, 2007
Messages
17,686
Reaction score
8,338
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it,you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow,Pink,and Green ...'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at the Telstra-Clear call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to the b#st*rd.
I know I have.
 
Kila R Ralai

Kila R Ralai

Kennel Enthusiast
Joined
Aug 16, 2012
Messages
1,229
Reaction score
381
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.The cabby said, 'If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!' So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, 'How much for a ride to the airport,' he asked? 'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply. 'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?' 'What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked 'How much for a ride to the airport?' The cabby replied 'fifteen bucks.' The businessman said 'ok' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
 
Wahesh

Wahesh

The Forefather of The Kennel
Joined
Dec 6, 2007
Messages
24,844
Reaction score
12,158
Kila R Ralai said:
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.The cabby said, 'If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!' So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, 'How much for a ride to the airport,' he asked? 'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply. 'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?' 'What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked 'How much for a ride to the airport?' The cabby replied 'fifteen bucks.' The businessman said 'ok' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Click to expand...
... I don't get it?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top